Photo courtesy of Tiffany Sowby
I have a dear friend, twelve years younger than me, three kids less, probably 40 pounds lighter, and with a far more stylish wardrobe than I could ever hope to have. Her first child and my fifth child are only days apart. You can imagine what that means can’t you? Her child has always been dressed to the nines. Even as a young baby he was dressed from head to toe in stylish, name-brand clothes while my baby was lucky to have an unstained onesie on. Now as almost three-year-olds, my little guy is scarcely ever seen in more than a diaper and hers (of course potty-trained) is pretty much always immaculately dressed from head to toe.
Just the other morning this friend dropped her children off at my house for a couple of hours. Her two little boys’ darling matching outfits immediately caught my attention. Of course I couldn’t help noticing her cute shoes and fashionable coat as she hurried and ran off to her car. A few minutes later as I snuggled with her one-year-old on the couch, I smiled as I looked at his cute little hair, gelled into place just-so. I glanced over at my youngest child prancing around the family room in just a diaper and smiled as I realized that in his almost three years of life, I don’t think I have ever touched a comb to his hair!! (Did I really just admit that? I will say, though, we keep his hair pretty short. Good save.)
As I listened to my friend’s three-year-old jabbering to my son, my immediate, almost natural thought was, “Why does he speak so much better than my little guy?” Then just as quickly as that thought began, I stopped it. You see I’ve learned to do that over the years. Everyone and everything is different. And that is OKAY!
I couldn’t help but think back to my younger self–the mother I was eight years and three kids ago. I remember distinctly my two little pre-schoolers walking up the sidewalk hand in hand and a neighbor saying to me, “Your children always look so clean and put together. They are darling.” I smiled proudly and remember inwardly complimenting myself that my children looked nothing like another neighbor with a few more kids than mine. Her kids rarely had a clean face or clean (or matching) clothes on!
That thought made me laugh out loud. Eight years and three more kids later I am that other neighbor! And guess what? I’m okay with that.
Why wash a face if the kid is going in the tub soon? Why fight about un-matching clothes when you’d much rather fight about brushing teeth? Why worry about the odd nose dripping snot when you know soon it will come in contact with a shirt sleeve? (I may or may not be slightly exaggerating!)
My little memory lane trip went on as I sat on the couch and positively compared myself to my younger friend. I realized that had I been friends with this now dear friend 10-12 years ago I would have felt insecure and frumpy. I would have envied her life and begrudged my own. But oh the wisdom that almost 13 years of motherhood have given me!!
My friend are I are completely different. We are in different stages of life. While she juggles two young toddlers at home, I send four children off to three different schools each week day. When I see her children’s grandparents stop by almost daily to shower them with time and gifts, I am reminded that my children have lots of cousins to share grandparents with. When I thought about the fashionable rust-colored coat my friend was wearing when she dropped the kids off, I remembered it was a gift she received a couple of weeks ago for Christmas. I didn’t get a cute coat for Christmas. But I got a food processor that I had been desperately wanting and was delighted.
Ahh! The wisdom of years. I couldn’t help but smile from my perch on the couch as I looked at our two little boys playing side-by-side together. Neither of them cared a whit that one was dressed in name-brands from head to toe, and one of them was wearing only a generic store-brand diaper. I basked in the glorious moment that I could readily acknowledge: “This is my life. My family, my children, my choices, my consequences and I love it.” In that moment I wished desperately for every mother in the world to have that same contentment and acceptance of their friends and themselves.
I’m reminded of this quote from Anna Quindlen: “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”
Accepting ourselves and our circumstances and working to become our best selves is so much more important and better than striving towards some sort of perfection that we might think exists in others.
Now don’t get me wrong. I have not perfectly mastered this concept myself. There are certainly days I get wrapped up in desires for a perfectly toned body, a calm and even temperament, a new wardrobe, or a well decorated house like this friend or that friend. To say I was content all of the time would be a lie.
What I am beginning to master though is the concept of looking beyond the differences between me and another to see the reasons behind them. When that happens it is easy to see that the differences are often just that! They’re just differences! Kind of like a fashionable coat or a food processor. Neither one is better. It all depends what they are being used for, right?
What a glorious thing to be able to see differences and accept them. What a glorious thing when we can take that one step further and accept ourselves.
I wouldn’t trade that wisdom for anything. Even for a really cute coat.
QUESTION: What do you do to actively work on becoming yourself?
CHALLENGE: Think of a few of your own positive qualities and traits and commit to being able to find real contentment with them.
Yes!! Wonderful wonderful post. Love the honesty. Couldn’t agree more. Timing is everything. As well as what “added benefits” some mothers may have which might make motherhood look easier than for others. A few that come to mind, as you also mention are: wealth, being given gifts, having less children! (I have 4, all under 5), family close by that can help when needed.
I completely agree with you, children don’t care what they wear, as long as they are clean (I cannot abide runny noses on children, also miserable for the child!), and are able to take part and engage in the world around them without worrying about something so pointless as clothes or what they look like. To develop children Need to be able to get dirty and explore – and not think about image! (How awful. Unfortunately, there is time enough to worry about that once they are bombarded with media images as teens and older.)
I always reflect (now I have 4 kids!) how before I had children and I would see mom’s walking by with dirty prams (from daily use, not filthy from real neglect) and I’d think “my god, don’t they ever clean them?” And of course, now I know better, the answer of course (well assuming you have more than 2-3 kids) is no!! I sometimes look down at mine and try to clean it when I’m walking along – a quick wipe…but honestly, who has the time! Motherhood is not about having perfectly turned out kids, is bout having kids that are engaged, curious, and above all happy! 🙂
So beautifully said! I’m going to remember this! And, mark my words, I’m going to “stop it” just like you did next time those thoughts creep in. Thank you for your wisdom. There are some things that matter, and some things that don’t. It’s so wonderful to learn what really does.