Following up on one of my previous posts, I’ve been thinking more specifically about my own question: What are the most important attributes of a mother?
This month at The Power of Moms we’re focusing on The Power of Individuality, and it’s got me thinking about some of the fantastic mothers I’ve know in my life. Specifically, how each one has been an example of dedicated motherhood despite being so very different from the others. Same in the important ways, different in the unimportant. It further solidifies my feeling that “good” mothers can’t be defined by dress size, address, skin color, number of children, religious affiliation, or ability to sing, sew, organize, garden, decorate, or make a souffle. The most important attributes of a mother are attributes of the heart which can be expressed in a million and one ways.
When I was pregnant with my first child, I became close friends with a mother who had immigrated to the United States from Nigeria with nothing but the clothes on her back and her nursing, infant daughter. Despite having just received a PhD from Cambridge in London, she came to the United States in such dire straits because her husband decided to divorce her and, according to Nigerian law, had sole custody of everything they owned, including her three other children. She knew she couldn’t stay there if she wanted to get her children back. She worked tirelessly to create a new life for her and her daughter and find a way to bring her other children back to her. It took several years and more than a few miracles, but she did it. Her road was long and hard, and there was nothing traditional about it. She was an amazing woman and taught me one of the most important attributes of a mother: perseverance in the face of adversity.
As a missionary in Japan, I came to know and love a woman I eventually began to call “Okasan,” or “mother” in Japanese. She had a respectful interest in our religious message, but she mostly just liked to care for the LDS missionaries that transferred in and out of her town. If she wasn’t feeding us in her home, she was bringing food to our apartment. If the weather was bad, she would call to check up on us. She was particularly helpful and patient with the new missionaries struggling with the language. If one of the missionaries in the area was transferring, she would be sure to see them off at the train station. You couldn’t leave her home without a little gift of some kind being slipped into your pocket or bike basket. When I remember her, all I see is her exuberant, smiling face. From her I learned that one of the most important attributes of a mother is the ability to love selflessly and find joy in serving others.
I have a dear Indian friend I met when our family lived near Los Angeles. Our sons became “best buddies” for several years of elementary school before we moved last summer. I always noticed how well-behaved both of her children were. Her older daughter, a young teenager, would always greet me at the door with a smile and a hug, address me by name, and ask me how I was. It never ceased to amaze me! My friend was very careful to teach her children about their culture, and had them enrolled in traditional Indian dance classes. She also spent a great deal of time making sure they excelled in their studies, and wouldn’t tolerate any kind of behavior problems in the home or out. She was dedicated to training her children well, in every aspect of their lives. She and her husband had a private business by trade, but in her heart she was a teacher. And that is one of the most important attributes of a mother that I learned from her: the ability to teach your children well.
These are but three examples of mothers who exemplify some of what I think are the most important attributes any mother could hope to possess, and not one of them had to do with the things we all too frequently associate with “good” mothers. (Think Better Homes and Gardens.)
Moving away from the Los Angeles area last summer, it’s hard not to notice how much more homogenous the culture is in my current city (everywhere is more homogenous than L.A.), and that can be a double edged sword. How so?
The up side of homogeneity is that everyone is on the same page, making it much easier to develop a sense of trust when so much of the fabric of our lives is similar. I know diversity is very, um, popular right now in our culture, and we like to think that our differences make us stronger, but in a fascinating study <http://www.boston.com/news/globe/ideas/articles/2007/08/05/the_downside_of_diversity/> conducted by Harvard political scientist Robert Putnam in 2007, he found that “the greater the diversity in a community, the fewer people vote and the less they volunteer, the less they give to charity and work on community projects. In the most diverse communities, neighbors trust one another about half as much as they do in the most homogenous settings. The study, the largest ever on civic engagement in America, found that virtually all measures of civic health are lower in more diverse settings.” (Michael Jonas, The Downside to Diversity, The Boston Globe, August 5, 2007) (Emily, can you help me out with how to site this??)
But what of homogeneity? Are there down sides to it as well? It’s just my opinion of course, but I’d say that the biggest downside to homogeneity is, well, that everyone is the same! And the “samer” people are, the harder it is not to feel like there really is a “right” way to look, act, talk, and do things. And when that mentality creeps into motherhood, we get ourselves into a whole heap of trouble.
I hope by sharing my deliberately chosen examples that it’s clear I value diversity, but there is a bigger lesson to be learned. We often focus on the superficial differences between ourselves and others when speaking of diversity or “Individuality.” Not just skin color or country of origin, but even such things as careers or hobbies. (“She’s an accountant.” “She’s crafty.” “She’s sporty.”) But the individuality we ought to be seeking out and praising in ourselves and the other mothers around us is found in the universal attributes I learned from those great women. Attributes such as perseverance in the face of adversity, the ability to love selflessly and find joy in serving others, or the ability to teach our children well. The universal attributes of “good” mothers cross all superficial boundaries, and they define the real diversity we should be valuing in each other.
The reality is, any of those women could have been your neighbor. As I said before, the most important attributes of a mother are attributes of the heart which can be expressed in a million and one ways–even amidst an otherwise homogenous culture.
And I hope they will be.
QUESTION: Do you value diversity among your “mom” peers? Why?
CHALLENGE: Try to appreciate a deeper diversity in the other mothers around you.
Hi Allyson, I enjoyed your piece! I linked to it from my blog because It tied into an issue I discuss in a guest post.
Thanks for sharing!
Christina
Right on Allyson ~I SO appreciate you articulating this (is this one going in the “Motherhood Matters” column?). I also live in a “homogenous” area and I constantly have this “ripped off” feeling when it seems I can’t get moms to open up deeper than the superficial level. I know they each have something unique to offer in the character building department (I can FEEL it) yet it seems like this unwritten rule to stick with what’s “acceptable”. Oh well, I’ll just keep being me and available to cheer on anyone else who wants to offer the same!
Allyson,
This is a great post. That article from the Boston Globe is fascinating! I have noticed in my family how difficult it has been to feel unity in my family. I have five children, four of whom have been adopted. It is hard to feel unified when you have seven completely different gene pools in your home! After the POM’s retreat where they discussed mission statements, I decided maybe we could focus on Unity Through Diversity, or Unity Despite Diversity or something like that!
Anyway, perhaps if we stopped competing and comparing, we could learn to love each other for who we are.