I have a friend whose kids always match. Not just with each individual outfit– the kids match each other. So do their hair bows. So do their shoes. I can envision those children on the cover of a magazine. I have never been inside their home, but I assume it is impeccable and it smells good. Clearly my friend’s life is structured and productive.
Such is the power of presentation. When a mother steps out of her home and into the world and everyone in the family is well groomed and coordinated, it really doesn’t matter what she does. As long as she is not egregiously rude or violent, we tend to assume she is nearly perfect.
I can’t help but wonder what I am communicating when we leave the house. You see, my children dress themselves. Partly because that is one less thing I have to do for them, but mostly because they insist upon it. I have chosen not to fight that battle.
When my oldest son was four, he didn’t like green. He liked bright green. He also liked bright blue. He never defined which yellow he liked. (Apparently yellow is vivid enough without having to specify, as are red and orange.) He especially liked mixing his brightest colors together to make his outfits.
I often cringed a bit when he emerged from his room, ready for the day. However, he explained his system for getting dressed: “I wear bright colors when I am happy.” So, I let him choose what to wear. He was very happy that year.
I was sad when he started school and had to wear a uniform in plain, boring colors. His shoes and socks, however, remained vibrant. He also learned some things about how to dress: “Layering is cool, Mom.”
My older daughter is an artist at heart. Her favorite color is rainbow. Her clothes attest to this fact. I thought the combinations my son wore tested my fashion sense, but my daughter added patterns to the mix, making him look drab by comparison. She explained her approach to getting dressed: “All the colors in the shirt are also in the skirt, and so they match. See?” I can’t argue with that logic, and so she splashes through life as a rainbow.
When she started kindergarten, I was not sad about her wearing a uniform. I knew that her penchant for color would not fade, and it hasn’t.
My second daughter is my diva. Her favorite outfit last year was her “black kitty outfit.” If I called her “Black Kitty” she obeyed quickly and happily all day long. I kind of liked that outfit.
As with her older sister, any efforts on my part to influence her opinion have backfired. Her current favorite colors are “pink, purple, and fancy.”
I admit, I am a little jealous of my friend with stylish kids. I want my kids to be fashionable, and sometimes I wonder if I am failing my kids in some way by not teaching them to match their clothing.
Then I see my brightly clad children and remember that I made a deliberate choice to let them have control. They will not be children forever, and they will learn to follow trends and dress to be “cool.” It is already happening to my oldest. It is still cool to look like a rainbow, so I give them the power to dress themselves.
What do I communicate to the world when I step out the door with my children? Some days, I am not sure. Right now, I am more concerned with what I am communicating to my children. I am telling my children that their opinions have value. I am telling them that I don’t have time to choose their clothes every morning, but that I still love them. I am telling them that they can make decisions for themselves, and I approve of the decisions they make.
And I suppose I am telling the world that my kids are happy. Can’t you see how brightly they are dressed? You might want to grab some sunglasses.
QUESTION: In what ways do you show your children that you approve of their choices? Is there an area in their lives where they are ready to take on more responsibility?
CHALLENGE: Identify an area in your children’s lives where they can assume more responsibility, and let them do it.
Images provided by Emily Allen.
Mom says
I also let my kids pick their clothes. I used to do it for them until one day when my son was wearing something that did not look quite right to me, and I said, “Wait, that doesn’t match.” My son said, “That doesn’t matter.” Unfortunately I said, “Everyone at school will see you in this.” Then he said, “You said it doesn’t matter what people think about you.” I never made that mistake again. Love it!!!!
Kobie Hatch says
It always warms my heart a little when I see a child who obviously dresses on their own. I often think “that’s a good mom who cares more about how their child feels than what the world thinks.” And it’s fun to get a little glimpse into a child’s mind by seeing the outfits they pair. Great challenge as well!
Steph says
I met one of my best friends because she let her daughter wear a clown nightie to gymnastics. I said to myself, “That’s my kind of girl!” We’ve been friends ever since!
Laurie says
I love this! It took me some time to relinquish clothes-picking control over to my “fashion forward” 5 and 6 year old girls, but now I love what they come up with– and I love that THEY are the ones who came up with it. I think things clicked for me when a friend of mine posted a picture of the crazy outfit that her own daughter had picked out, and a friend who was an elementary school teacher pointed out that when she sees a kid dressed like that at school, it’s very obvious that the mom didn’t do it! Somehow that freed me of my worry that people would think I’m not doing my duty as a mother 🙂 My older daughter also loves rainbows and stripes, and when she wears her rainbow striped dress, striped pants, and striped socks, she is her alter-ego “Rainbow Girl”.
Emily Allen says
My daughter would love to be “Rainbow Girl!” We may have to create that superhero for next Halloween.
Rachel says
I love love love this article. I too let my kids dress themselves. It was picture day at my daughter’s 4 year old preschool. She said, mom I need to wear something pretty. I might add that the night before, she hit her chin in the tub and had a big bandage on her chin. She came downstairs wearing a tiara and her Cinderella princess bride dress. Mommy, she said, don’t I look beautiful for my class pictures. Of course I said. I sent her to school and she sat front and center of the class so proud of her outfit. She is 6 now and the picture of her in her princess dress with her class is my favorite picture ever. She was so proud of herself and the choice that she made. I think it teaches them that we appreciate their choices, we trust them to make choices, and they will be more confident because of it. Some of the color combinations she wears to school now are crazy, but she puts them together herself and loves it. Thanks for the great article.
Jamie says
I had one son so would only wear shorts. His logic? “I’m a little boy so I need little pants.” When my daughter was three the baby sitter was trying to dress her and she wouldn’t get dressed. She finally asked my oldest son for advice. He told her, “It has to be pink.” The babysitter found something pink, and my daughter got dressed no problem.
Emily Allen says
It always surprises me that the kids have “rules” for how they dress. My son likes wearing dark shirts in the winter and light shirts in the summer because the dark shirts absorb more warmth and the light shirts keep him cooler. My girls will only wear skirts with certain shirts. And on non-dress-code days, my first grader has to wear something that sparkles. (That one is kind of a pain.)
Maybe it gives them a sense of control? If so, then that’s another reason I let them dress themselves. I want them to feel in control of their lives as much as possible.
Donna M. says
I really love this article. I struggled for years with wanting my girls to all match and look pretty head to toe until my strong willed middle child decided that wasn’t working for her. I had to finally let her choose her own clothes and that was so hard for me. In the end though, I am happy that she has a mind of her own and that she wants to be her own self. All 3 of my girls have their own style and are beautiful inside and out. Thank you for this heartfelt reminder.
Sarah Monson says
I love how your kids look like normal kids–not supermodels!
Emily Allen says
Thanks. After this was posted I noticed a bunch of dirty faces in my pictures. That’s how it is all the time here.
Koni Smith says
Love this, Emily! Thanks so much!
Steph says
I love this article, and I have exactly the same approach with my three girls. My only clothing rule is “It has to be appropriate for the weather.” We live in Canada, so we can’t wear t-shirts and flip-flops year-round, unfortunately for my middle daughter!
Emily Allen says
We have the opposite problem. I have to tell them they can’t wear the fleece footie pajamas because it is too hot here. Your middle daughter would love our winters! (Nobody loves our summers, though.)
Lele says
My daughter dressed herself from primary school age. She had interesting taste and combinations. She even wore those to school as we had no uniforms. She is grown up now and has excellent dress sense and always looks elegant. I think choosing your own clothes helps you develop who you are.