Valentine’s Day may be officially over, but nurturing loving relationships should be something we think about all year long. Yes, I know this blog is about motherhood and not relationships, but if there’s anything that affects our mothering on a daily basis, it’s how we get along with our spouse. When we feel happy and confident in our marriage relationship, it runs over into all the other aspects of our life. And when our children know their parents have a solid relationship, it gives them both a sense of security and a model for their own future relationships.
Unfortunately, some of you reading this have already experienced the pain of divorce, and I certainly don’t want to be the one to rub salt in an open wound. The truth is, I’ve been impressed with the ability and determination of some of my divorced friends to have a good relationship with their exes for the sake of providing that sense of security for their children. They are succeeding! So whether you’re married or divorced, I hope there is something in this post that rings true for you.
Speaking of tough relationships, having a good one really is a two-way street, isn’t it? But since the only person under our control is the one looking back at us from the mirror, I’d like to offer a Top Ten list of things not to do if we want to keep that loving feeling all year long and not just on Valentine’s Day. (Warning: this list is not for the easily offended.)
- Nag and criticize. Your man loves to be “mom-ed” by his wife, especially with a lengthy Honey-Do list to keep him busy over the weekend. And when he doesn’t do things exactly as you’d like, be sure to point out his mistakes by explaining the “right” way in a condescending tone of voice. (Why doesn’t he get it? It’s so obvious!)
- Whine and complain. If you are a stay-at-home mom, let him know how difficult it is to make ends meet and get things done because of his inability to make enough money or be at home to help you out. If you work outside the home, be sure to gripe about how tough it is to manage work and family, and make him feel responsible to solve all your problems. (He’ll totally love that.)
- Use lots of sarcasm. Roll your eyes and use the word “duh” a lot. Make him feel small by ripping on him with your “sense of humor” and act surprised when he gets offended. You’re just joking, after all. Why does he have to be so hyper-sensitive?
- Let yourself go. He married you for better or for worse, didn’t he? He should love you for who you are on the inside, not your physical appearance. The pressure to make yourself as attractive as possible for him is not just shallow, it’s demeaning. I mean, you don’t care what he looks like on the outside. (Right?)
- Withhold love and appreciation. If he doesn’t regularly shower you with love and appreciation, why should you be the one to get the ball rolling? Doesn’t he see all that you do to keep home and family running smoothly? You are the one who deserves a little love around here! Two can play at this game.
- Expect him to read your mind. And when he doesn’t, punish him with a little silent treatment. You’re married, for crying out loud! He should know you well enough to be able to anticipate your moods and needs (despite his own moods and needs). A woman’s feelings should always come first in a relationship, and it would be nice if you didn’t have to spell things out for him every single time.
- Belittle him in private and in public. Give the girls a good laugh with a story about his latest bungle, and make a point of letting everyone know who wears the pants in the family. When you’re at a work party or out to dinner with friends, be sure to make jokes at his expense or make faces when he says something lame.
- Be quick to jump down his throat. You don’t need to ask questions, wait for reasonable explanations, or dispense mercy. React quickly and emotionally, and go in for the the kill. (He can clean up the mess later.)
- Spend more time with the kids, your mom, your sisters, and your friends than you do with him. The kids obviously need you, and what mom doesn’t need a little girl time after all that work with the kids? Besides, he’s got ESPN to keep him happy. Boys will boys, and girls just want to have fun!
- Forget all the reasons you fell in love with him in the first place. Just focus on the things that bug you in the present. Now that the honeymoon is over and you are “old” married parents, forget about how he makes you laugh, how much you admire his work ethic, his cute smile, what a great dad he is . . . (Hey! Maybe he’s not so bad after all!)
Was that list a little tough to read? I bet it was, because it was tough for me to write. I’m ashamed to say this, but I’ve done every single thing on that list at one time or another (and to one degree or another) in my almost 18 years of marriage. I’m guessing most of us have! But this is one list I’m determined not to check off. Even if it takes a lifetime, I plan to cross these behaviors out of my marriage relationship. For the sake of your Valentine and your children, I hope you do too.
QUESTION: What points on this list hurt you the most? Why? Are there any others you would add?
CHALLENGE: Pick at least one behavior from the list above and cross if out for good!
Image: graur razvan ionut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
What a creative article with LOTS of good reminders, Allyson! My husband and I are committed to inspiring peace and joy in homes as marriage and family mentors and trainers. I think the reason we’ve been successful in our passion to help families is that people know we’re not perfect. We can relate with them! For example, #9 hit too close to home for me. I’m often on the phone when my sweetheart walks in the door as I’m trying to save the day with something my family or friends are going through, that I’m slow to run into HIS arms and give my husband the attention he deserves. I need to be better! I love, love, love articles like this that help women WAKE UP and be a little kinder and loving with their “Valentine.” Thanks for sharing!
I really need the wake up calls, too. Glad this spoke to you. (And keep up the great work as marriage and family mentors and trainers!!)
This is such great advice! It reminds me of a book I read my kids called “How to Lose All Your Friends” that teaches them (through reverse psychology) to reign in some of their most unfriendly traits. I’ve realized over 23 years with my ‘Valentine’ is that when I’m feeling like I need a little more TLC, the fastest way to get it, is to GIVE IT! When I treat him like *I* want to be treated, the reciprocal effect is almost instantaneous. Thanks for the reminder!
Great comment. Thanks!
I like the reminders of things that help us to be more supportive and loving spouses. I just think it is more helpful to focus on things we should do instead of the things we shouldn’t. When we focus on the negative, it is easier to continue to repeat negative behavior. It’s helpful to start by thinking of the things you already do that are loving toward your spouse and then continue to improve and build on the those. As women we are often our own worst critic and by focusing on the list of what we do wrong we make it harder to be loving to our partner and our children. I agree with the points made in this article but I wish it had been written from the positive. For example: praise your spouse often for all that he/she does to support your family. Give your partner the same kindness and respect that you need from him/her.
Thanks for the feedback, Christa. I hear what you are saying, and of course I considered writing the article in the positive form, but I’ve read so many lists like that in other places that I thought I would use what Catherine referred to in her comment above as “reverse psychology” for those of us who benefit from having our negative behaviors spelled out for us. For instance, I already know I should compliment my husband more, but I’m not necessarily motivated to change until I recognize and “hear” what the opposite behavior sounds/feels like. That’s just me. I’m the type of person who needs a good smack upside the head every once in awhile to wake me up and help me identify the behaviors that I want to change. This article is for other women like myself. Again, I hear what you are saying and totally agree that the positive form would be more effective for certain readers, I’m just not writing this for them. I really am sorry it rubbed you the wrong way!
Thanks Allyson! Great article! Really good reminders of behaviors, that I think ALL of us do or have done, and can improve on. I think the ones that hit home for me were 1. that he can’t be expected to solve all my problems and also 2. who I’m spending my spare time with. If I am overwhelmed, than it is my responsibility to cut out some of my activities and expectations. If he does some extra chores and puts the kids to bed alone, to give me a night out once a week, that is great, but if he’s doing that every other day, than it’s time to reevaluate who I’m spending my spare time with.