There are amazing, devoted, wonderful, deliberate mothers out there, and each week we’ll spotlight one of them here at Power of Moms. Do you know a mom who deserves a little time in the spotlight? Email rachelle.price (at) powerofmoms.com. We can’t wait to meet her.

Introducing Shani Whisonant

How many children do you have and what are their ages?

I have one daughter, Shae, who is two years old.

What are some unique and interesting aspects of your family or your approach to mothering? What do you do that is a little different than what seems to be the “norm”? What have you decided to prioritize in your mothering that you see as somewhat unusual? 

I believe that God intends us to use our bodies in a way that demonstrates our love for Him. As the health and nutritional leader in my household, I place very special emphasis on what I feed my family. We grocery shop every week for fresh fruits and vegetables, and though it might be easier to stop through a drive through every once in a while (especially after a long day), we do not. I would rather spend that money shopping for organic fruits, vegetables, dairy and meats. At the end of the day, knowing that my family is eating healthy homemade meals means that I’m fulfilling my role as the nutritional leader in my household. That is an enormous part of my mission as a mother.

I also strongly believe in having a child who is very physically active.  We make sure that my daughter spends the vast majority of her time engaged in active play and imagination games. Whether she’s gardening with her father (her favorite activity because it involves spraying him with a hose), riding her bicycle, singing at the top of her lungs on one of our neighborhood walks, or playing dress-up, it’s very important to us that she grows up realizing that there is more to life than what she can see on a screen. If she doesn’t leave a ring around the tub after her evening bath, I feel that I’ve failed her. I love putting a dirty, sticky little girl in the bathtub and taking out a clean angel that is ready for bed and the stickiness of the following day. The thickness of a bathtub ring will tell you a lot.

What have you decided to NOT prioritize in your mothering that many other moms seem to think is important and worthy?

I know there is a strong emphasis on encouraging and celebrating independence in young children. I made a decision from the time I first looked at my daughter to be her champion until she is ready to claim her independence. Though it’s not a priority for me to “push her from the nest,” she is still a very independent child! She is also a child who wants to snuggle with us and even (gasp!) sleep in our bed. When daddy’s out of town on business or she’s had a bad day and she wants snuggles, I’m happy to hold her as tight as I can, for as long as I can. I don’t have a long time to be her shield from the world, and I’m not rushing her to independence or pushing her away when she needs her mommy to be her champion. It is my personal policy to drop what I’m doing when my little girl needs a hug. Or some water.

What have been the biggest challenges of motherhood for you? What are the hardest parts of your typical day as a mom? What coping strategies do you have for getting through hard times and hard days?

The biggest challenge of motherhood for me, by far, has been working outside of my home.  During the day, when I am away from my daughter, my heart just aches. There are days that I still cry when I drop her off at daycare; this is definitely the hardest part of my day. Every day.

Recently, I have been able to modify to a part-time schedule, but it is still extremely difficult to be away from her for long periods of the day, especially while she is so young.

To cope with this difficulty, I make sure that I contact her daycare at least once a day. I have been a positive and consistent presence at her daycare since the day that she started there. I keep her picture close to me during the day, and I always, always, always make sure that I am accessible in the event that she needs me, even if it is for a hangnail.  These strategies help, but mother guilt never fully goes away.

What have you learned from motherhood? Please share a specific story or incident that really taught you something.

I have learned that God trusted each mother to be a mother in her own way. None of us was meant to mother our children as other mothers do.  We are all unique as women, so it makes perfect sense that we would mother in a way that is consistent with our personality and core beliefs.

When I first had my daughter, I was destined to be the mother that listened to the best advice from amazing mothers. There were two problems with this philosophy.  Problem one was that much of the advice was conflicting, so I didn’t get consistent advice from women in my circle who were outstanding moms. The other problem was that, frankly, I didn’t feel good about some of the advice. After about six months of being a return passenger on the anxiety bus to nowhere, I had to make a difficult decision to listen to some very good advice, to ignore some other very good advice, and, above all, to trust my mother’s instincts. I’m a work in progress but I’m a much happier mom now that I listen to my instincts. And I believe that’s led to my daughter being happier as well. We’re in a groove. At least for now.

Photo courtesy of Shani Whisonant

Wait a minute—it feels like I am missing something. Barbeque sauce? Check. Coolers full of ice? Check. Lawn chairs, sunscreen, picnic blankets? Check, check, check.

Oh yeah, now I remember…it’s the poppies. And the flags. And the parades. And the discussion with my children as to why they do not have to go to school on Memorial Day.

As the wife of an active duty Army soldier, I have the daily privilege of living around the men and women that we honor on Memorial Day. I have attended numerous memorials for soldiers in my husband’s units, as well as community Memorial Day events. I remember being particularly touched at one of these events by an eighty-year-old veteran in a wheelchair wiping away tears. He was remembering buddies whose lives had been cut short on foreign soil over six decades ago.

One of the challenges of having a family in a free country is teaching our children about the cost of freedom. It is important to teach them to appreciate the sacrifices others have made. But there is a delicate balance between teaching them this important message and over-burdening their little hearts. Fortunately there are many ways to impart these lessons.

We have found that our children respond to different levels of discussion and activities around this subject. Our teenage daughters really enjoy discussing the “why” behind the different conflicts in our nation’s history. Our pre-teen son loves to read real-life accounts of battles and historical fiction. And our little ones love the “pomp and circumstance” of military ceremonies, parades, and other celebrations.

This year, we have the great fortune of living just a few short miles from Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, the site of the famous Civil War battle. Because this year marks the 150th anniversary of this battle, we are making special plans to visit the battlefield.

Along with the barbeques and other fun events that come with Memorial Day, take time this year to teach your children about the importance of this holiday. Here are some things you could do:

• Many small towns still have Memorial Day parades. Make plans to attend as a family.

• If there is veterans’ hospital or rest home in your area, call and find out if you can visit. Maybe you and your children can bake cookies and take them for the patients or residents and staff.

• Visit your library and check out books about soldiers, famous battles, and the history of Memorial Day. Some of my children’s favorites are The Wall by Eve Bunting, A Boy at War by Harry Mazar (series of 3 books), and Memorial Day (Holiday Histories) by Mir Tamim Ansary.

• Have your children make some simple crafts related to the holiday, especially poppies. Click here for a link to just one example. While making them, you can read the poem “In Flanders Field,” by John McCrae, which was the inspiration for the tradition using poppies to remember our fallen:

In Flanders Field

In Flanders fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

Loved and were loved, and now we lie,

In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

• Visit the Any Soldier website to learn how to send letters and/or care packages to troops overseas. They really do appreciate the support and the fact that someone is thinking about them. (My husband has said that one of the worst feelings is going to mail call and never hearing your own name called out.)

• Finally, if you know anyone who has lost a family member to the service of our nation, please take some time to thank them for their sacrifice. These people are known as Gold Star families. For them, every day is Memorial Day.

I believe that the service members who gave their lives would want us to continue with our fun traditions that make this country great. They would want us to have backyard barbeques. They would want us to play baseball or football with our kids. They would want us to laugh and enjoy the blessings that liberty secures for us. But they would also want us to take some time to remember those who died for freedom and to teach our families what that means.

QUESTION: Do you and your family have a special tradition to honor fallen servicemen and women?

CHALLENGE: Take some time to read about the meaning and history of Memorial Day and discuss it with your children. (See links below.) Consider starting a new tradition that helps your family remember the meaning of Memorial Day. And, please take some time to enjoy the fruits of liberty—enjoy your families and the time you have together.

Other links:

http://www.usmemorialday.org/backgrnd.html

http://www.classbrain.com/artholiday/publish/poppy-flower-memorial-day.shtml

http://www.apples4theteacher.com/holidays/memorial-day/

Images provided by Sadie McCurry and Microsoft Office Images.

We believe that every family needs time to get out of the house together–to strengthen their relationships, explore something new, and, quite simply, have fun.

While the location could be a park down the street, a museum in the city, or a lake on the other side of the country, we’ve found that there are some basic principles that make family outings work.  (You know, so you’re not grumpy the whole way home, threatening to never take your children anywhere again.)

Saren and April feel so grateful for the opportunity they had recently to spend the day with their families at the Disney Parks in Southern California, and at the end of their day, they sat for a moment on Main Street to record this 15-minute Power of Moms Radio show.

You’ll hear ideas about preparation, flexibility, and savoring the moments, and hopefully you’ll go away with some new ideas for making your own family outings just a little bit more meaningful.

Click here to listen to the broadcast, “Making Day Trips Work”

And in response to recent news . . .

When we recorded this radio show, we had just barely found out about the tornado in Oklahoma.  Since then, we have been mourning with those families who were affected, talking with our children about natural disasters, and emphasizing the importance of valuing each day we’re together.

We thought our readers would be interested in this excellent article about ways to help those in Oklahoma. Whether we’re donating blood, offering financial contributions, or personally attending to the needs of those involved in this devastating event, we appreciate the focus on joining together as a community to support those who are suffering.  Thank you for your compassion and for your examples.

There are some days when mothering is about as fun as traveling at eighty miles an hour on a blistering hot day on a motorcycle with no windshield in a bug storm!

But let’s step back a moment, take ourselves out of the here-and-now and look at the big picture. Mothering isn’t just about where we are in our mothering career at the moment; it’s about where we came from and where we are going. In order to know who we really are, we need to look at the whole spectrum of the mothers in our lives.

Last year I had a spectacular “aha moment” as I began thinking about the Mothers in my life.  Not just my own mother who has been an enormous influence for good on me but also my grandmothers and great grandmothers. I am part of them and they are part of me.

My moment came as I was walking through a glorious field of bluebells on a spring day in England in an old 100 acre-wood near a quaint little village in England called ­­­­­­Little Baddow.  It happened to be my birthday and I was there with two of our daughters, both stellar mothers themselves, and two grandchildren. Little Baddow is where my great-great grandmother Elizabeth Gower was born and raised.

Elizabeth must surely have walked through this very bluebell field in her childhood. It was an ethereal experience to contemplate the currents of her long-ago life and of my own life as we three mothers came back to the flower grove of this stalwart grandmother.

(Below is an original oil painting by my dear friend Bobbi Snow from photograph I took that day.)

Elizabeth and her husband Daniel Clark were the first to join our church with their family of ten children and were so bitterly persecuted for that choice that they decided to immigrate to America. After a hard sea voyage, they crossed the plains in covered wagons. During the journey, Daniel drank some bad water from the river, contracted cholera, died and is buried somewhere along the Platte River in Nebraska. Valiant Elizabeth forged on to Salt Lake City with the children. I can only imagine the vivid details of her difficult life—details of hardship which in the end defined her and helped define me. Though I never knew her, her valiant blood runs in my veins.

There are other stories of my gaggle of faithful grandmothers that boggle my mind. One, after giving birth to ten children and living a faithful life died in the horrendous flu epidemic in 1920 when she was thirty-eight, leaving eight children including my mother and taking her two sick babies aged three and eighteen months with her to Heaven in the same week.  Another pioneer grandmother helped settle Bear Lake Valley and saw that a community recreation hall and a road to the gorgeous Bloomington Lake was built. And another lost five of her six children as she immigrated from Denmark to America. My own mother wasn’t able to have children until she was 42 and felt so blessed to be able to bring me and my sister into the world. Although her family was smaller than she envisioned and her husband’s small farm never quite did well, she was able to bring in needed money and influence the lives of hundreds of children as she taught school and piano lessons all her life. The stories of the difficulties of their lives and their perseverance is nothing short of awe-inspiring. 

Now that our children have flown the nest,  I love thinking about those great mothers who have made me and those who will become great mothers because of their sacrifices. That includes of our own four daughters and four daughters-in-law who are producing the generations to come.

They have their own sets of hardships.  One has a child with a syndrome that may cause the loss of her eyesight before she is an adolescent.  Another lived with our son in a 450-square-foot apartment in New York City for three children—the baby sleeping in a drawer. One had five children in just five years and dealt with some crazy times with so many preschoolers while another wasn’t able to have her first child until age 38.  A couple of them are dealing with uncharted and challenging territory with their teenagers. Another valiant soul delivered their first child completely naturally…. breech! Still another is a pioneer in her own right as she and her family (four children) have decided to “go green” at their home in Hawaii. They have grow boxes full of vegetables, a yard full of chickens, and live on about $200 a month for food while driving beat up old cars that run on vegetable oil.

None of it is easy—not in the past or in the present. Yes, there are beautiful moments of love and peace and tranquility and gratitude, but the hard moments often outnumber the lovely ones.  The important thing is to keep in mind that the difficulties in our lives are the things that help us to grow and change and learn. As we look at the big picture, these hard times of motherhood create a family narrative that will give future generations strength and resilience to go on in the face of their own hardships.

One of our long-standing family’s mantras was probably inspired by our grandmothers shouting down from heaven, “Hard is Good!”

QUESTION: What stories about your ancestors have inspired you? How can you learn more about those who’ve gone before you? How can you enhance your family’s narrative?

CHALLENGE:  Take a few minutes to dig up and/or write out some stories about your family’s heritage and share them with your children during Memorial Day weekend.

Sometimes he’s a cowboy and sometimes a secret spy. He’s been Spider Man, Batman, and even a crocodile. His lack of inhibition comes from the fact that he knows himself and he likes himself. In fact he thinks he’s pretty great, and so do I.

This boy happens to be my son.

We all know children like this, little people with grand self-esteem. They understand something about life that many of us seem to have forgotten. They recognize their self-worth and the things that make them unique, and they celebrate those things. When I watch this little boy go about his day, I wish I had less inhibition and more courage to be myself at all times. I wish that I not only acknowledged the wonderful things about me, but enhanced them more often.

What about you? Do you celebrate your uniqueness? Do you find ways to sing about all the great things about your life? When was the last time you dared to dream without restraint? How authentically do you live your life every day? What things are you waiting to do until you have more courage?

Think for a moment about your best friend. It may be your husband, mom, or someone you’ve known since junior high. What makes this person wonderful to you? What do you love about him or her? My guess is that you could get out a pencil and paper right now and make a good solid list of what makes that person unique.

Could you do the same for yourself? Could you get out a piece of paper and a pencil and sit down with your favorite snack to make a list of 50 things that make you who you are?

This might sound hard at first, but once you get going, you’ll gain momentum and soon easily surpass 50. Try it.

Answer questions such as: Who are you? What makes you tick? What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? How are you progressing? What are your favorite things? What are things you don’t like?

If you are struggling, it may be helpful to ask someone you trust and love: your husband, your mother, your best friend. Whatever it requires, take a little time to get to know yourself.

There is power in knowing yourself, in seeing yourself as a complete person with likes and dislikes and things that are truly unique to you. As we come to know ourselves, really know ourselves, we will have fewer inhibitions. We’ll feel more free to be who we are because we will know who we are. We won’t be trying to find a version of ourselves that fits with someone else’s mold.

If we could see ourselves for who we really are, we’d have more faith in our own abilities, more joy in our own strengths, and maybe, just maybe, we’d find ourselves bursting into a spontaneous song and dance just because we heard our favorite tune in the grocery store.

QUESTION: How well do you know yourself? When was the last time you really thought about the things that make you you?

CHALLENGE: Take time this week to sit down and make a list of 50 things about yourself. You can use the questions below if you need some “prompts” to get you started!

Questions to Get to Know Myself:

1. What is your favorite color? Why?

2. What is your favorite thing to do on a Friday night?

3. What is your best/worst high school memory?

4. Describe your best/worst day of college.

5. What kind of music do you like? Why?

6. Do you prefer sweet or sour?

7. Describe an experience that has shaped who you are in the last year.

8. If you had one hour to do anything you want, what would it be?

9. Where would you travel if money and time weren’t an issue?

10. What is your favorite “fast food” place?

11. What is the best dinner you make?

12. What is your most beloved dessert?

13. What are your three favorite traits about yourself?

14. What is one weakness you are working to overcome?

15. Who are two of your closest friends?

16. What is your favorite thing to read?

17. Name your least favorite food.

18. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

19. What is your favorite movie?

20. Would you rather travel to Europe or Asia?

21. What is your favorite month of the year, and why?

22. Who are five people that have been influential in your life? Why?

23. What is your favorite thing about winter?

24. What makes you laugh out loud?

25. What accomplishments are you most proud of?

26. What are you afraid of?

27. What is your favorite hobby?

28. What are you most grateful for each day?

29. What do you love most about where you live?

30. What is one of the most difficult things you’ve ever done?

31. What is your favorite memory of your grandmother?

32. Would you rather live on a farm or in a big city?

33. What was your worst birthday? Why?

34. What was your best Christmas? What made it the best?

35. What time do you like to get up in the morning?

36. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

37. Which smells remind you of your childhood?

38. When you’re feeling sad, what food do you like to eat?

39. What or who do you have full confidence in?

40. What is a characteristic of one of your children that you wish you could emulate?

41. Whom do you admire? Why?

42. What makes you feel balanced?

43. What did you like doing as a child that you still love doing today?

44. What is your favorite part of your daily routine?

45. What things move you to tears?

46. What is some of the best advice you’ve ever been given?

47. What is your favorite thing to do during the summer?

48. When your children are grown, what are three things you hope they say about you?

49. Who makes you want to be a better person?

50. When do you feel you are at your best?

Image provided by Hailey Bigelow.

Editor’s Note: The Power of Moms is a website for mothers of all religious preferences. Our Spiritual Sundays section is a place where our authors can write about thoughts that are more spiritual in nature, and our goal is to gather a wide variety of perspectives. If you (or someone you know) has something to add to this section to help us reach a wider audience of mothers, please send the submission to submissions@powerofmoms.com. Thank you!

I could only assume I would love my children. When I pictured a mother’s love, I saw myself sitting comfortably in a quiet nursery, bathed in afternoon sunlight, holding a perfect baby in my arms. We were staring at each other with reciprocal, worshipful adoration.

Now that I am a mother, I do have moments of heart-stopping infatuation–a conviction that nothing in the world could ever be more beautiful or make me feel so much joy. But I also realize that a mother’s love contains a lot of complex emotions, and not all of them are pleasant.

The anger of watching your child’s first rejection on the playground and the hurt of seeing them try and fail. That, too, is love.

The lonely ache of dropping off your boy at preschool for the first time. The feeling in your heart as you pack up and give away the baby girl clothes you won’t need anymore. That ache is love.

The tedium of a thousand tasks repeated day after day and the weary submission to a thousand more you’ll never get to. Both are born of love.

The moments of guilt and the feelings of inadequacy. The questions that plague you: “Am I doing enough? Am I doing this right?” All of those worries are love.

The desolation of losing a pregnancy and knowing that with it you’ve lost the chance to experience joy and pain with another child. That heartbreak, too, is love.

And then there’s the fear. You fear that all the glistening, golden threads that bind you to your babies are as fragile as a spider’s web that might be brushed aside at any moment, and you could lose everything. Even that fear is love.

When I found out my second pregnancy was twins, for a split second I was excited. I had breezed through my first pregnancy, and at 6’3” I was sure I’d have plenty of space for them to grow. I was determined to carry them full term and bring them into the world as well and as whole as any two singletons. “This should be fun!” I thought, until the doctor started explaining how high-risk this pregnancy would be.

It wasn’t fun. To say I had a difficult pregnancy is to grossly understate the matter.

In a letter I wrote to my preterm babies the day before they came home from the hospital, I explained my emotions:

My Dear Little Boys,

Tomorrow you will come home from the hospital and change our lives forever.

From the moment I found out you were coming to our family at the same time, I have been so worried for you. I have wept and prayed so much for your safety. Since 18 weeks into the pregnancy, when my body started the process of kicking you out early, I have begged the Lord for a miracle. I researched and tried to implement everything I could that might give you a chance to enter the world well and whole.

For a while there, I was hopeful and even confident that we could make it. But, I was devastated to find out last week that after contracting for 17.5 weeks, my body had passed the point of no return. You were coming now and would spend your first days hooked up to machines that would try to do for you what my body should have done.

I felt I had failed you. I sobbed on the way to the hospital, and I sobbed when I first saw you in the NICU. I said in my heart as Job did, “For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me; and that which I was afraid of has come unto me. I was not in safety, neither had I rest; neither was I quiet, yet trouble came.”

From the beginning of these complications, you’ve had an asterisk attached to you in my mind. There seemed to be so many obstacles to getting you into the world that I tried to think of you as hypothetical, so as to not become too emotionally attached in case something went wrong. But, from the moment you were well enough to hold in my arms, the asterisk disappeared, and you became, for the first time, truly mine. You are my sons, my little guys.

Of course I am a nervous for how things will go when you come home tomorrow–especially for the first year of twinfancy and for the havoc you may wreak as toddlers.  And naturally, I am still more than concerned for your health and safety. Yet, my heart is light and full of joy and anticipation. The fear is not gone, but I recognize and accept it for what it has actually always been: a form of love.

I love you, my little guys. I thank the Lord for you, my little darlings. Welcome home.

QUESTION: What emotions are part of your love for your children?

 CHALLENGE: Write a letter to your children that explains and preserves the love you feel for them right now.

Images provided by Heather Craw.

I have been seeing a lot of teacher gift craft ideas and tutorials on blogs lately. Here’s the thing: I am a former elementary teacher and a major color junkie, so I will be honest with you . . . the sight of a perfect crayon frame or wreath does indeed make my heart beat a little bit faster. However, I don’t really need any more them. At Christmas, during Teacher Appreciation Week, and the end of the school year teachers are showered with mugs, lotions, knick-knacks, frames, and cutesy projects galore. What is a teacher to do with all of these things?

Now don’t get me wrong: they truly appreciate your generosity in thinking of them and giving them a gift. It touches a teacher’s heart to feel appreciated. It is a very emotional, woefully underpaid, and very time consuming job. (If you think it’s all early hours and summers you clearly have never had to plan wonderful lessons, coordinate field trips, put up bulletin boards, keep administrators happy, go to staff development meetings, worry about your individual students’ needs, grade piles of papers, and communicate with dozens of parents!) Teachers truly love to feel appreciated. But a person can only use so many frames and mugs, and of the three of us sisters two of us are very allergic to smelly lotions and have to just pass them on when they are given to us as gifts. And that is why I am here today to tell you the five gifts that your child’s teacher REALLY wants to receive. They are not complex and they are not expensive.

To read Sarah’s list, read on!

Do you have any gift ideas to add to Sarah’s? Please leave suggestions in the comments section!

With the end of school right around the corner, I’ve been getting all my summer “documents” out (lists of things to do, summer schedules, brochures for camps/classes, etc.) and was thinking about doing a post on getting ready for summer. However, when I went to the website and did a search, I discovered we’ve already got the bases covered pretty well.

But on days when my to-do list is long, it sure can take up time.

On those days, if I am feeling even slightly rushed during this special time, he picks up on it and will not take his nap until I come and really show him love. He doesn’t want to feel like an item on a checklist.

Today was one of those days. I was unwittingly rushed and distracted during our special routine. I was hoping to make an important phone call by a certain time, and I was trying to hurry.

Oh, we still read books; I wrapped him up, sang to him, and kissed him; but my heart wasn’t in it, and Clayton sensed that. Within five minutes of putting him down, he was calling, “Mom!” over and over again. He wanted to feel loved. But by then, I was on the phone with the bank regarding the sale of our house. I didn’t come.

I thought he would give up and go to sleep, but he did not. A few minutes later, he called to me again. By then I was fixing lunch for my daughter who had just been dropped off by our preschool carpool.

“He’ll fall asleep eventually,” I reasoned. All was quiet for a few minutes. I started to clean the kitchen and make another phone call. Then I heard him call out to me again.

At that moment a thought hit me powerfully: I am not at home right now for the dishes, or for these “important” calls, or for the laundry, or for the dirty bathrooms I was hoping to clean. I am here for him.

I decided I would not allow that moment to belong to the dishes or to the phone anymore. That moment, and the next several moments, were going to be his moments. I ended the phone call, left the dishwasher open, and went to my boy.

I picked him up and wrapped him in a warm blanket. I rocked him back and forth and sang him songs. He smiled every time we looked at each other. “Do you want another song?” I would ask as I finished each song. “Uh-huh,” he would reply. I sang and sang.

Finally, he closed his eyes and relaxed his body. Asleep at last. But instead of being rushed this time, I held him close, wishing I could take a picture of him peacefully asleep in my arms.

When I finally put him down, I took this picture.

And instead of getting back to my to-do list, I decided to write this down first.  Because rocking and singing to my son is the most important thing I accomplished today.

QUESTION:   What is the most important thing you accomplished today? What can you do right now to show your children you love them?

CHALLENGE:   Put your children at the top of your to-do list. Each day, congratulate yourself on what you accomplished in loving and caring for them.

Featured Image by FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image of sleeping child provided by Tiffany Hancock

The fact is, parenting rules and expectations have changed since we were kids.  There are a lot more concerns about car safety, stranger danger, and childhood illnesses. Children aren’t free to come and go or meet up with friends at will. Sadly, scheduled and supervised play dates are now the norm of childhood.

Don’t get me wrong, I participate in scheduled play dates many times per week. But didn’t I walk five blocks every day during the summer, sometimes alone, sometimes with a sibling, to Mrs. Rust’s swimming pool? And weren’t there wonderful learning experiences, not to mention exercise, that I got from those walks?  On one of those longs walks home from the pool, I discovered a group of boysenberry bushes and feasted until my fingers were stained and sticky. Only then did I find enough energy to walk the rest of the way up Michigan Avenue.

Are my kids missing out on unsupervised childhood? I feel we are sometimes too involved. And at the same time, we’re not. We’re much more reluctant to let the kids roam the neighborhood, but do we keep that same guard up as our children roam the virtual neighborhood? By protecting our kids from the dangers outside, are we keeping them inside, within earshot, but unknowingly feeding them to the dangers of screen time and a sedentary lifestyle?

How do you find that balance of keeping your kids close but at the same time avoiding overprotective hovering? I don’t know the answer. I find myself walking the line every day.

I feel grateful for family friends who live right behind us and the open door system that our children participate in. Any day, any time (within reason) our children are free to run through the alley and see if the others are available to play. During the summers especially, they will go back and forth between yards several times a day. This gives me some relief knowing that my kids are experiencing a bit of the freedom that I grew up with.

And then there’s the park across the street. Normally this is a great middle ground for me. I allow the oldest kids to go over alone and get a little bit of space from mom and dad. But I know they’re not far and I can periodically peek out and check on them.

During this past week, however, I was receiving some conflicting reports about the goings-on at the park. My son Oliver was complaining that some big kids were being mean and had ruined the sledding jumps and made them impossible to go off. My daughter Byrdie called the boys her friends and said they were nice.

My curiosity got the better of me. I headed over to the park to meet these big kids for myself and make sure that everyone felt safe and happy. The older kids were very polite and seemed like really good kids. They had spent a lot of time at the park building and going off the jumps and becoming familiar with them. It turns out, Oliver just needed a little more encouragement and a little more practice in order to experience some success and satisfaction with the jumps.

I later heard him telling a friend, “The jumps are really fun, you just have to get used to them.”

Perhaps I should have had more confidence in Oliver to work things out on his own. Then again, maybe he needed his mom with a camera over there in order to hop back on that sled and give it another shot. You gotta get a cool “catching some air” picture, right?

And there’s that line. I guess I’ll keep walking it.

QUESTION: Where is your line of balance? Where is your line of comfort for your children’s safety outside? Where is your line of comfort within your home, or friends’ homes, with screen time?

CHALLENGE: Decide what your safety boundaries are, and then allow your children a little more freedom within those boundaries. Can you give them some additional independence in some of their choices? Help them find a safe-place to play with a little more freedom and a little less mommy.

Images provided by Sarah Packham

Join us (Saren and April ) as we share some of our humorous (and often crazy) family moments.

We’ll talk about how to see the humor in the moment, how to record the details so we won’t forget, and how to weave these hilarious tales into our family culture.

Click here to listen to the broadcast, “Humor and CRAZINESS in Motherhood”

Show Notes

• Article by Saren, Riding the Motherhood Waves of Pain and Joy

• Have you seen our new Disney Guide for deliberate mothers?

This is my 13-year-old daughter, Alia. (She does like to borrow my clothes, but this dress she is wearing is her own . . . .)

Seriously, though, parenting teens is something I’ve been afraid of for years.  Everyone has warned me how hard it would be, and pretty much every teen-related article in the news is full of bad news–studies about violence, drug and alcohol abuse, wild parties . . . you know what I’m talking about.

But now that I’m officially a mom of a teen, I want to do it right, so I’ve asked my daughter (and now I’m asking our Power of Moms community) to help me.

For starters, I sat down with Alia and asked her to share her initial thoughts on what teenagers need.  (We recorded this discussion as a 12-minute podcast below.) Here are her first two pieces of wisdom:

(1) We need to give our teenagers extra responsibilities.

I know.  This was counter-intuitive to me at first.  Don’t teenagers want us off their backs?  Don’t they want freedom from responsibility?  After all, “You Only Live Once.”

But no, from my daughter’s perspective, at least, teens don’t want to be treated like children anymore.  They want to prove they’re useful and get the chance to do hard things.

In the podcast we recorded, Alia will share some examples of extra responsibilities she enjoys doing. I’ve also included some photos and links in the Show Notes below.  (I couldn’t get by without this girl.)

(2) We need to know our teenagers better than ever before.

We need to know what frustrates them, what they’re excited about, what kind of music they like, how they like their hair to be, and what’s happening with their friends.  According to Alia, now is the time this matters–way more than when our children were little.

But what do you do if your teenager doesn’t want to talk with you?  Alia shares her ideas on how to make ourselves available, how to be persistent (without being annoying), and how to set up an environment where talking is totally natural.

Click here to listen to the podcast, “What Teenagers Need.”

Right click to  download the podcast straight to your computer.

Click here to access all Power of Moms podcasts in iTunes

QUESTION:  Do you have any additional ideas to share about what teenagers need?

CHALLENGE: Listen to this podcast with your teenager and find out how he or she feels about these ideas.  (This could be a jumping-off place for a great discussion!)

Show Notes:

This is the garden Alia and her dad planted (referenced in the podcast):

When I had to be out of town, Alia helped put on a birthday party for her 11-year-old sister Grace:

This is a Popsicle stick sculpture Alia was asked to make for our elementary school’s 100-Mile Club.

And if you’d like to see some of the product reviews we’re doing on Power of Moms, Alia is now helping with Power of Moms Giveaways.

Music from Creations by Michael R. Hicks.

My toddlers have all been very busy, and they get into everything. They climb constantly. They smear the contents of their diapers on walls and carpets. They have even, to my horror, escaped the house only to have a neighbor bring them back. One of my kids decided he preferred to be naked, despite not yet being potty trained, which led to redressing him all day long for months and months.

 I have had children go through tantrum phases that would rattle my bones. I have had clingy children and fiercely independent children. Some of my kids liked to tear up books or draw on walls. At church, our family has been the most rowdy group for years.  Currently, my one-year-old has separation anxiety that is more extreme than any of my other children combined.

Going through the toddler years six times with six different children has taught me perspective and patience. Now, instead of thinking, “This is my entire life, and I am failing as a mother!” I remember that kids go through phases. They just do. It is part of their learning, and that learning process may take awhile. As mothers, we do what we can to teach these toddlers, but sometimes we just can’t get through to them. Time is what they need, and knowing that can ease our stress.

My littlest guy recently had a major love affair with the toilet. He took every chance when the bathroom door was open to have a splash party. We tried to keep the door shut, but with eight people in our house, it just wasn’t happening. I would go in and get him and firmly tell him “No!” and “Yucky!” But soon after, he would be at it again.

This toilet phase was frustrating, but knowing it wouldn’t last forever helped me to be more patient. I continued telling myself “This is a phase!” as I intervened day after day. Sure enough, it finally clicked and he got the message. Now we are on to the next phase!

With six young children, we are going through multiple phases at all times. But I take it all in stride these days. I don’t mind wrestling with wiggly toddlers when it is time to hold still. I know this restlessness won’t last, and neither will their dimpled little elbows or the sweet way they call pistachios “mustache-ios.”

Understanding the nature of phases has made me a better mother. I have learned that sometimes during the most difficult phases, when you are in survival mode, it is okay to scale back on everything else for awhile. I know that eventually I will get back to functioning fully, but right then I am nurturing my child through a phase.

QUESTION: What challenging phases are your kids going through right now?

CHALLENGE: Take a moment this week when your children are being difficult to patiently nurture them through it. Then smile to yourself as you remember that this is not going to last forever, and pat yourself on the back for handling it so well.

Image Source: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Title: The Passionate Mom: Dare to Parent in Today’s World

Author: Susan Merrill

Basic Overview: Using the story of Nehemiah from the Bible, author Susan Merrill lays out a template to aid mothers as they “dare to parent in today’s world.”

Nehemiah was a fearless leader in the Old Testament who returned to Jerusalem to help his people rebuild a protective wall around the city. It took great planning and insight to execute such a project and Nehemiah encountered many difficulties along the way.

In The Passionate Mom, we see that as mothers we have much in common with Nehemiah. We are the wall that surrounds and protect our children. Merrill takes nine attributes displayed by Nehemiah and likens them to bricks that make up our mothering wall: perception, pondering, passion, prayer, preparation, purpose, planning and perseverance. Just as the wall around Jerusalem had gates, so should our mothering “wall”. These gates allow our children to experience life outside the home in a safe manner that will help prepare them when for when they are grown and on their own. Such gates include things like the use of free time, cell phones, and driving.

Parts I Liked Best: The “brick in the wall” that hit home the most to me was that of pondering. It is so easy in today’s world to be distracted and lose sight of our purpose as mothers and what we need to teach our children.

The book discusses how alertness, availability and attentiveness will help increase our perception. The more aware we are of the needs of our children, the better able we are to ponder, pray and then plan for ways to strengthen them.

Because we cannot always be everywhere, Merrill encourages the formation of your own “Mommy Mafia”. I thought this was such a cute idea; we all need to have other adults who can be our eyes and ears. Coaches, teachers, and friends’ mothers can give us valuable perspectives on our child and we should use them. One of the cardinal rules of the “Mommy Mafia”? Never reveal your sources.

I found the discussion of “gates” to be very helpful as well. Gates are not to limit or control our children, they are to give them positive experiences in the “real world.” Opening a gate, however, is not a right but a privilege and the gate can always be closed if our children do not prove that they are ready for the added responsibility.

How This Book Made an Impact In My Life, Especially as a Mother (or why I just really liked it): I think one of the main reasons I enjoyed this book is because it never claims to have all the answers. Instead, it provides mothers with tools and skills that will help each of us approach and solve our individual problems with confidence.

It was refreshing to have spiritual matters addressed alongside more temporal matters and to be reminded that we often need a higher power to be effective mothers. One question from the book that has really stuck with me is: If Christ stopped by your house and asked, “What do you want for your child?” would you know what to say?

I realized that I need to take more time to perceive, ponder and pray so that I can deliberately mother my children in the way that they need best.

*** Five lucky readers will have the chance to win a hard copy of The Passionate Mom plus a t-shirt! Simply enter a comment below to enter this giveaway.  Winners will be chosen and announced on Friday,  May 17th.

Title:

Author: Mary Lamia, PhD

Basic Overview:

Fear. Loneliness. Sadness. Embarrassment. Envy. Love. Happiness.

Does this describe the emotional roller coaster of your teenager? How is your teenager coping with these emotions? How are you helping your teenager cope with these emotions?

Emotions! Making Sense of Your Feelings, by Dr. Mary Lamia, takes an in-depth look at these and seven other common emotions that are encountered throughout life. Written in a format that is easy to understand and apply, Dr. Lamia combines research-based information with real life experiences to help parents and their teenagers gain powerful insight into a significant part of who they are.

Parts I Liked Best:

The premise for the book is that emotions have evolved to help us. Dr. Lamia shows that even negative emotions, when handled constructively, can benefit one’s life. The book is arranged in chapters dedicated to each of the emotions covered. Each chapter is written following the same pattern: a real life situation introducing the emotion; current research-based information on the emotion; strategies on how to positively address the emotion; and a conclusion that sets the reader up for the next chapter.  Because the format is predictable, the material is easy to follow. No surprises.

This isn’t a book that you or your teenager would read cover to cover.  Instead, it works best focusing on one chapter (or emotion) at a time. The chapters could serve as great conversation starters for discussions on what is going on in your teenager’s life and provide “practice” for dealing with those feelings.

How this book made an impact in my life, especially as a mother (or why I just really like it):

As a mom who has raised teenagers and a grandmother in training, I see the value in this book helping me to better understand and empathize with the teenagers in my life. Since parents and grandparents often times can’t or don’t want to remember the emotional turmoil of their youth, this book provides valuable reminders into what feelings teenagers encounter in their daily lives. The more we know about their emotions, the better prepared we will be in helping them work through their feelings.

Emotions! Making Sense of Your Feelings would be a welcome addition to anyone’s family library and a great resource for navigating teenage emotional development.

The Power of Moms is an Amazon Affiliate.  If you link to and purchase a book we recommend on Amazon’s website, we will receive a small commission.  However, we only make honest endorsements on products we know and use ourselves.  Thanks for your support!

Joy or “Just Wait”?

“Do It Yourself” Summer Camp

Spiritual Sundays:  Christlike Mothering

Your Children Want YOU!

The $100 Allowance

5 Tips for Loving Every Age and Stage

Why I Stopped Reading Mommy Blogs

When the TV Goes Off

A Seven-Step Plan to Organize the House

Deliberate Mothering Ideas for Handling Tragedies–Episode 52

Image from JMaz at Flickr.net

 

1. It’s not about me. Of course I need to take care of myself and nurture the me inside the mom, but in the end, being a mom is really about putting my children first.  There’s this sentiment floating around that warns women they will lose themselves to motherhood. They’re right! But the woman I “found” as a result of “losing” myself to motherhood is someone I like much better. Making sacrifices of self for another human being is not a bad thing.
2. How to eat humble pie. Every mom knows you can never say never, because as soon as you do, whatever it is you said you/they would never do invariably happens. Whether it’s being pulled over for speeding while driving my kids to school in my pajamas, explaining to my three-year-old daughter that no, this nice gentlemen I’m speaking with is most definitely not pregnant, or receiving the dreaded phone call from the principals office, I learned pretty early on to tolerate regular servings of humble pie. And as a result of being “there” time and time again, I’ve developed a lot of compassion for other mothers in the same spot.
3. It’s not a competition, it’s a commitment to our children. Motherhood is not about who makes the cutest cupcakes, who goes to “Mommy and Me” yoga most often, or who puts in the most hours at the school. Personally, I gave up the imaginary battle for “Mother of the Universe” a long time ago. Save your mental and physical energy for things that really matter, like a good long talk with your teenager or an afternoon at the park with your toddler.
4. I don’t own my children. Yes, I brought them into this world, but I didn’t really create them. Every one of my children came hard wired (pre-wired?), and it is clear I am not supposed to control or manipulate them. My role is to facilitate the individual process of helping each of my children become who they really are–even if that’s totally different from what I had originally imagined!
5. It’s better to laugh than cry. (Or scream.) Motherhood has got to be the world’s most aggravating and frustrating job at times. The relentless nature of the work can drive a person to tears. Laugh instead. What other job can result in finding a binky in your cleavage at the end of the day? (True story.)
6. It’s about progress, not perfection. I was pretty hung up on perfection in my early years as a mother, but I now like to think of perfection as a verb instead of an adjective. To perfect means to improve, refine, hone, or work on. If you really stop to think about it, motherhood is just one big unfinished project free of deadlines or specific end goals. What a relief!
7. Today is not forever. There are so many stages of motherhood, and they all have their challenges and blessings. When I’m in the middle of a particularly tough one, I try to remember that it is just that (a stage) and that today is not forever. On the flip side, being the mother of growing children has taught me to stop and savor the beautiful moments for the exact same reason: because today is not forever.
8. The best things in life really are free. Forget about Disney Cruises, granite countertops, and boutique wear for your new baby. Smiles, snuggles, companionship, conversation, a sense of belonging, a reason to get up, the satisfaction of watching another person grow under your care. These are the best things of motherhood, and they are all free. Free!
9. Happy people make messes. Of course I appreciate a clean and orderly home as much as the next person, but I’ve learned that when our family is really doing what families do best, our house can be quite a mess–and that’s okay. Messes are temporary things that create permanent memories and long-term happiness.
10. Every single cliche about motherhood is true. The joy is in the journey. You’ll never do anything so hard and yet so gratifying. The greatest work any of us will ever do will be within the walls of our homes. Pretty much every last quote, pin, or cliche about motherhood is right on, and as much as we all like the idea of breaking the mold and being different, this is one area in which I like to bask in the commonality of humanity and enjoy being part of “Club Mom.”

I resist the urge to insist on another story and settle in for another retelling of Max and his adventure. To the girls’ surprise (and even mine), I find myself changing my voice, growling a little for effect, and even tossing in some exciting sound effects. They giggle, and our regular story time is transformed.

Reflecting on this small moment from my motherhood journey helps me realize that I am developing more patience (though it’s not always easy to recognize that in the midst of frustrating moments). Of course mothering will always include small annoyances—such as reading the same bedtime story night after night—as well as bigger, teeth-gritting episodes—like apple juice on my keyboard or a dead car battery due to the interior lights left on. But somewhere between the early morning feedings and the endless toy room clean-ups, I’ve decided to find a way to enjoy these patience-promoting experiences, or at least most of them!

I have found that the key to doing this is merely adding a little creative energy to tasks that seem mundane, routine, or frustrating.

I have realized that by using a little creativity, the everyday patience that is required to endure challenges without getting frustrated is transformed into mothering patience—a patience that endures challenges, doesn’t get frustrated, AND shows optimism.

Everyday patience is calmly responding to our child’s repetitive requests day in and day out. Mothering patience is finding enthusiasm while wiggling the same loose tooth multiple times a day, asking sincere questions about the 23rd identical stick figure drawing, and joining in occasionally with the child who recently discovered the art of whistling… and practices morning to night.

Everyday patience is taking a deep breath and then another, while pooling bits of energy and motivation from reserves way down deep. Mothering patience is doing this (repeating as needed!) and turning on dance music.

Everyday patience is putting my favorite jeans and shirts aside to be worn after some good old fashioned exercise and healthy eating. Mothering patience is learning to love my body—yes, I said love—through many physical changes—pregnancy, postpartum, and post-postpartum.

Everyday patience is calmly discussing the issue and sticking to the consequence while a distraught daughter sobs her argument. Mothering patience is following the gut instinct to worry less about being “right” and instead asking questions that probe a little bit deeper into the situation and ultimately bring comfort and resolution.

Everyday patience is washing every single cup in the house (used by only two girls), folding kids’ clothing that continue to come out stained, sweeping up bits of dried play dough for three days after they played with it, and gently combing snarls out of teary little girls’ hair morning and night. Mothering patience is doing these things over and over while telling stories, singing songs, and finding things to laugh about.

We have to choose to have mothering patience, which isn’t always easy. Here are two things that have helped me:

Learn to Laugh. When I look back to my early years as a mother, I didn’t give myself permission to laugh enough. I have learned that as I stop taking myself so seriously, I free up a lot more creativity.

I put this technique into play recently during our infamous toy room cleanup. I traded my usual nagging plea to help for a British accent and a sing song voice. My girls were thrilled and the room was clean faster than you can say “spoonful of sugar.”

See the Big Picture. Behind the feisty tempers and toothpaste smeared in the carpet, I remind myself that there is much more to our lives than the momentary battles of the day. When I choose to focus only in the here and now, I limit my perception and find myself “hanging in there,” most likely with gritted teeth and clenched fists.

On the other hand, when I see my children in the big picture, my mothering patience truly shines and I find insights into their personalities and ideas for helping them specifically.

Sometimes everyday patience is all we can muster, and that is enough in a difficult moment. But by learning to laugh and stepping back to see the big picture, we will discover greater happiness in motherhood. We will be choosing more perspective and creativity. We will be choosing mothering patience.

QUESTION: What have you learned about mothering patience as you raise your children? How has it made a difference in your relationship with your children?

CHALLENGE: Find a way that works for you to develop your mothering patience, whether it be laughing more, taking a step back to see the big picture, adding some creativity into your parenting, or whatever suits you best.

Image Source:  Microsoft Office Images

Now I have had the chance to personally review the product and prepare a giveaway for you and your children!

Here are some additional photos of the product:

This is the adorable suitcase that you get when you first start your subscription.  It is a handy place to store all of the papers/activities that you get each month.

This is the cute passport to put your stickers from the other countries in:

The Brazilian tag for your suitcase:

The Japanese tag for your suitcase:

Cute sushi eraser that came with the Japan kit.

The adorable origami paper that also comes with the Japan kit.

Introduction stories and the fun information about the countries:

The awesome world map to track your travels!

Little Passports is giving away One Three-Month World Travel Kit.

Please use Rafflecopter to enter this giveaway.  (Open to U.S. Residents only.)

To learn more about this company, please visit www.littlepassports.com.

Please Click this Link to View the Rafflecopter Giveaway

Her husband and children all listened intently as she softly spoke while steadying herself with a firm grip on a metal bar high above the doorway.

The tall son grasped the hood of his mother’s coat, the husband held his wife’s hand, and the daughters clutched their mother’s arm as the bumpy subway car rattled down the dimly lit track.

 Every person in that little group was, in some way, clinging to this woman as they carefully listened to what she was saying.

 I had no idea what words she spoke in that particular moment, but I understood the feelings she conveyed by watching the way her family members warmly responded to her message.

 Seeing this tender parent hold so tightly to the strong metal bar above the door–with her family surrounding her–was a striking visual image I hope I never forget.

 That moment, that picture, reaffirmed to my heart that, as mothers, our families look to us. They cling to us–seeking stability and guidance when the journey seems bumpy and dim.

 Mothers provide a constant, steady foundation for the family. And though many of us may feel weak and imperfect–hardly rock-like at all–we simply must resist the urge to feel powerless and undervalued.

 We must hold on to the bar. No matter how rough the ride . . . or how long the journey. Our families depend upon it.

QUESTION:   How does your family cling to you? What is the bar you hold to when the ride is bumpy? How can we, as mothers, resist the urge to feel powerless and undervalued?

CHALLENGE:   Take some time to reflect about your role as a mother. Write down some thoughts about how each member of your family relies on you. When doubts enter your mind about your role or value, remember what you have written.

Image by FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Click here to listen to the Radio Broadcast, “You Know More Than You Think You Know.”

Right click on the link above to download the Radio Show to your computer.

Show Notes: (materials referenced in the show)

Learning Circles

Mommy is a Person Video Training (50% off through Mother’s Day)

Virtual Retreat

Music from Creations by Michael R. Hicks.

But Mothers Day can also be stressful. What can you do for your mom, grandma and mother-in-law that would mean a lot to her? What are your husband and kids planning? Sometimes our hopes and expectations of ourselves and our loved ones can get a little out of whack and rob us of the beautiful things the day can offer.

To help you figure out how to make this Mother’s Day full of meaningful giving and reduce the stress that can be involved, here are some relatively simple tried-and-true ideas for you – and some you might want to pass along to your husband and kids (they generally appreciate some “hints”). You’ll see that the ideas here are mostly things you can do with a computer, a camera, and paper and crayons since that’s what I know.

For your Mom, Grandma and Mother-in-Law

Sometimes we get caught up in the lovely gift ideas we see on Pinterest, on blogs, etc. I think it’s important to keep focused on what would really mean the most to our moms and what would best fit with our abilities and bandwidth. Our moms love to be remembered and honored – but fairly simple, heartfelt things often mean the most.  Here are some ieas I’ve done and some I’ve gathered from others and hope to do one of these years.

MEMORIES: Write your mom an email or handwritten note including some favorite memories you have with her. Include photos if you can. If you live near your mom, you could treat her to lunch and/or a manicure or pedicure. While you’re together, tell her about some of your favorite memories with her or share specific things you appreciate about what she did for you growing up. Here’s one favorite memory of mine that I shared with my mom and emailed to her along with a photo (I did five memories and five photos – my mom likes emailed stuff that she can keep digitally but some moms would rather have a hard copy):

When I was six, I remember shopping with you for a new coat and I found one that I absolutely fell in love with – gray/blue velvet with fake fur trim – the most beautiful coat I’d ever seen. But it was wasn’t exactly cheap and you were all about shopping on the sales racks and making do with whatever was a good price. So I was over the moon when you agreed to buy me that coat. It was my most cherished piece of clothing for years. And then one day it disappeared from the school cloakroom. That was a sad sad day for me. Here’s the coat (and my best friends – my sisters)

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU: Create a simple list or a little book of specific things you and your kids love about your mom or mother-in-law (you could also include favorite things from your siblings and their children). For a gift that keeps giving all year long, you could include 52 things, one thing for each week of the year. Here’s a really easy idea for making a “jar of love” – your mom can pull out one thing a week for a full year (click on the image for instructions). Even my non-crafty self could totally handle this one:

PHOTOS: Gather favorite photos of your mom with her children and grandchildren (you might have to secretly raid your mom’s photo albums and get friendly with your scanner). Create a collage if you like, put a favorite photo in a frame, make a little photo album, or simply email or create a blog post of some old photos that will bring a smile to her face.

Here’s a nice collage I found online (you could do photos of all your mom’s grandchildren around the edges or photos of yourself growing up). Click on the image below for an actual template for making a collage/book like this for your mom or grandma.

I recently did a special post on my personal blog as a tribute to my mom where I gathered tons of great photos of her into one place. (Click here or on the image below to see my whole blog post about my mom if you like.) She loved it so much! (And I’m glad to have so many favorite photos in one place now.)

** Don’t worry about whether you’ve got access to all the photos you’d like to include. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be meaningful!

NOTES: Have your children write down the top five things they love about their grandma. Their own handwriting and spelling is precious! Here’s my son Oliver’s letter to his Grammie (Gramy as he spells it).  I asked him about the artwork at the bottom and he said it means that Grammie is colorful and fun and she loves art.

VIDEO: Make a video of your kids sharing their favorite memories and/or singing “Happy Mother’s Day” (to the tune of Happy Birthday). If you upload your video to YouTube, you can easily send the link to your mom and/or grandma.

POSTERITY: Gather photos of all your mom’s children and grandchildren and make a collage that shows individual shots of all your moms’ posterity. You could put them all into a huge photo collage frame (my sister did this for my mom one year). Another idea is to gather some favorite family photos over the years and create a simple collage with those (I made this one below for my mom).

GIFT CERTIFICATES: Create a special personalized gift certificate for your mom from you. The certificate could be for an afternoon together doing something she loves, a favorite treat or dinner you’ll make for her, etc. You could also help your kids create gift certificates of their own for Grandma. The certificates could be for hugs, songs they’ll sing to her, doing a job for her at her house next time you’re there, etc. There are lots of nice templates online that you can use – the one below is from a group of nicely designed templates that you can personalize at “Certificate Street.”  But handmade works great too!

ART: Create some original art that captures how you feel about your mother or have your kids create art for their grandmother. I asked my 9-year-old daughter Eliza to make something – whatever she wanted – for her grandma. She came up with this beautiful piece. She said the “G” in the middle stands for grandma and that all the pink is for love and all the spikes are for excitement and the happy faces are for happiness and the purple is because purple is grandma’s  favorite color and the waves are for calmness.

RECORDED MEMORIES: Record yourself sharing your favorite memories with your mom (you could call it something like “The 5 Best Stories Featuring My Mom”)–put it on a cassette tape, a CD, or simply an audio file. You could even use freeconferencecall.com (we use it for our podcasts) to discuss favorite memories with your siblings, record the call (it’s so easy) and send your mom the mp3 file (seriously not hard at all). Just set up a time and have everyone call the phone number provided.

MUSIC: Make a CD of favorite songs from growing up (What lullabies did your mom sing? What were her favorite songs to listen to in the car? What songs remind you of fun times together as a family?)

For Your Mom-Friends

Many of our good friends are moms and while we’ll probably want to focus on our own moms, mothers-in-law and grandmas when it comes to Mothers Day, it’s nice to do something simple for our friends as well. These ideas take just a few minutes at your computer and could mean a whole lot.

• Email a link to the Power of Moms free member package – $50 in gifts they can access for free as soon as they register on our site.

• Send a quick email or hand-written note to a few moms you admire or who’ve impacted your life in meaningful ways. Is there someone whose example has really made a difference to you? Someone who’s helped you in a time of need? A simple note stating what you’ve seen in them that made a difference to you could mean so much! I received a note one Mothers Day from a woman who usually sat a few rows behind me at church. It said “I’ve noticed how you lovingly help your children behave so appropriately in church.” After years of working so hard (and often failing) to help my children sit reverently in church, it was such a treat to receive that note! I told her that I really appreciated her note but she’ll never know what a sense of accomplishment that note gave me – it was like finally getting an “A” in a class that was a real challenge!

• Send your mom friends an email with a link to a favorite article. Here are some great ones to “give” for Mothers Day: Your Children Want YOU, Mommy is a Person, The Perfect Mom, Are you Getting What YOU Need out of Motherhood?

• Start a Learning Circle for the moms you know (it’ll be a gift for them AND for you). Sign up to be a Learning Circle Leader and at the beginning of the invitation email template provided, say something like “I really admire the way you mother your children and would love to learn more from you. In honor of Mother’s Day this year, I’m starting a Learning Circle and would love to have you participate” (then the text of the email template provided will explain the rest and you can personalize it).

• Buy a book for the moms you know. Our latest book, Deliberate Motherhood, makes an excellent and relatively inexpensive gift. Or check out all the great books our community has recommended in our Amazon Store.

Mothers Day ideas you could suggest to your husband and children

Husbands and kids often appreciate a few pointers to help them make Mother’s Day wonderful. Feel free to share ideas with them. I used to think they would surely know what I’d like for Mother’s Day. And then I was sorely disappointed when they didn’t read my mind. I’ve found it works much better to hint very heavily or go right ahead and give them a list of things you’d love as far as activities and/or gifts and encourage them to “surprise you” by choosing from that list.

Here are some things that could go on your list:

• A new bike, hiking shoes, an ice cream maker, a board game (you could specify one you think would be fun – great ideas in our Amazon Store) or something else that is connected to fun family activities you’ll be able to do together throughout the year. Encourage something connected to family activities you really love.

• A picnic at a favorite place (you could offer some menu ideas and some ideas of favorite pretty locations if you think they might need them)

• Notes from your children sharing favorite memories they have with you or a list of what they like about you (One year I asked for this and my good husband helped the kids all write me a list of what they like about me – favorite gift ever! I’ll have those cute handwritten notes in my special things folder forever.)

• A new book on motherhood. Check out the great books we’ve reviewed at The Power of Moms or our Amazon Store full of recommendations from our community of deliberate mothers for ideas.

• An hour or two by yourself to think, plan, read, go for a walk, work on a project, whatever – with NO interruptions. My dear husband has made sure I’ve had a couple hours each Mother’s Day to myself and I’ve loved using this time to write about what I love about motherhood that year. I come away feeling so very happy about being a mom and more in love with my family than ever!

• A Power of Moms Retreat. Check out upcoming Reteats here. If there aren’t any near you, check out our Mommy is a Person Video Training and our Family Systems Online Training that you can participate in anytime, anywhere.  You could simply email your husband/kids the link with information along with a note – “Hint, hint – this could be a good Mother’s Day gift – a gift that will be good not just for me but for the whole family!”

• A photo shoot of you with your children. As moms, we’re usually behind the camera. So on Mothers Day every year, I ask my husband to take photos of me with the kids. I’ve got photos from every year (a couple of my favorites are below).

• The Power of Moms Mind Organization for Moms program (another gift that’s really a gift for your whole family)

• Coupons for hugs or jobs that your husband or kids will do for you (or you could make a list of jobs you’d dearly love to see completed around the house and your family could “surprise” you by doing a thing or two on the list while you take off to enjoy a couple hours on your own doing something you enjoy)

• Some little luxuries for you. Give your husband and kids a list of things you’d love to receive and let them “surprise” you with something from the list. Your list could include some new make-up, a favorite treat, an article of clothing you’ve had your eye on, etc. (If you want something specific, be specific about brand, size, type, etc.)

Every mom likes different things – some of us love notes, some love store-bought gifts or cards or flowers, some love acts of service, some love the opportunity to spend quality time with those they love (you can usually tell what they’d love by what they tend to give). If you take a little time thinking about what might mean the most to the mothers in your life (including yourself), you’ll come up with your own unique ideas that can make this Mothers Day the best yet!

QUESTION: What ideas would you add to the lists above? What have been your favorite gifts you’ve given and received?

CHALLENGE: Do something new, simple and meaningful for the mothers in your life this Mothers Day. Plus make Mothers Day great for YOU by giving your family some helpful hints and keeping your expectations in check.

* Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

Introduction

We had been talking with our 10-year-old son Talmadge about courage, and I’d been trying, in my long-winded way, to explain the difference between true courage or being a leader for the right, standing up for what you believe, and resisting peer pressure and the false courage of accepting dares, taking risks, being foolhardy. I had been trying to communicate the idea that real bravery was an inner thing, closely related to integrity and being true to yourself, and unrelated to the sort of outward bravado and macho chance taking that seems to be the message of so much of our media.

It was there that Talmadge interrupted with, “Yeah, it takes real courage to be a chicken.”

Dad: “What do you mean by that?”

Talmadge: “Well, I mean, like if kids are trying to get you to do something that you don’t think is right — or it’s really, really dangerous, and they’re saying you’re a chicken, then it takes real courage to be a chicken and say, ‘Yeah, I’m a chicken.’

Now why couldn’t I have said it like that?

So . . . courage means doing the right thing when it is hard (and even if it means being called a “chicken”).

Children can learn what courage is through stories, games, role-playing, and discussion, but they can learn to have it only through your example and through your lavish praise of their example (or even of their attempts).

Overall Methods

Teach by your own example — show courage and point it out. Give your children a parental model for courage. Tell your children about difficult things you do — not in a bragging or boastful way but in a candid way that lets them know that things are difficult for big people, too. If you had a hard assignment, tell them about it. If you spoke to someone who had made you feel uncomfortable, tell them about it. If you said no to some peer pressure, tell them about it. Think of past things as well as current situations.

Clarify the difference between courage and “loudness,” and between the lack of courage and shyness. This well help your children see that courage is a quality of character, not personality. If you have one or more particularly shy children, see that they understand that you are not trying to teach them to be louder or more assertive. Talk with them about quiet courage — the courage to say no to something that is wrong, the courage to say hello to a child who has no friends. Explain that everyone’s heart pounds a little, that we’re all a little scared, but that we can do what is right anyway.

Help your children understand the makeup of courage. The key to teaching courage to children of all ages is to realize that preparation and faith or belief (not just “red blood”) make up courage. Our children will have courage if they are properly prepared, whether it is by thinking through decisions in advance and teaching them how to say no with confidence or by encouraging them to practice a piano piece for a recital and helping them to feel confident that they can perform well. Having faith in themselves to be able to do what they know is right is the key to courage. Children can realize that faith lies not in believing that something will turn up but in believing that they can turn something up.

Method for Preschoolers: Teach Small Children to Look People in the Eye

This can help children learn a useful habit that takes courage and that gives you a good opportunity for praise. Establish a family tradition of looking people in the eye. Explain to small children that if you look right at people, they will like you and know that you like them. Practice looking in each other’s eyes as you say, “Hello,” “How are you?” “Thank you,” or as you ask questions: “Where do you live?” “What school do you go to?” And so on. Have little contests to see who can look into the person’s eyes the longest while having a “made-up” conversation. And have “staring contests” (who can look into the other person’s eyes the longest without blinking).Explain that being brave means not having anything to hide — and when we look right at someone, it is like saying, “I trust you and you can trust me.” Learning to do this helps us not to be afraid to ask people questions or start conversations.

Method for Elementary Age: “Hard and Good” – The Relationship Between Them

This activity will help children begin to relish rather than resist hard challenges. For this game set up two sides with at least one child to a side. Say that you are going to mention certain actions and you want one side to write either “hard” or “easy” to define each action. The other side should write “good” or “bad” about each action. (Each side needs a paper numbered from one to ten and a pencil.)

1. Get up early and study for a test.
2. Say you’re sorry to someone even though it’s embarrassing.
3. Try smoking with your friends so they won’t call you chicken.
4. Make friends with the new kid at school, even though everyone else is ignoring him.
5. Sleep in on Saturday instead of getting up to do your household job.
6-10. Add your own (try to draw from real experiences)

When the game is over, match up the two team lists. Show how “hard” almost always matches up with “good.

Method for Adolescents: Decisions in Advance

This can help adolescents make right — and courageous — decisions before they are in situations conducive to wrong choices. Explain to adolescents that many decisions are best made early — before we’re confronted with pressure to decide. Help them to make a list (preferably in the back of a journal or diary) of “decisions in advance.” For example, I will not smoke. I will not cheat. I will not be cruel or rude even if others around me are, and so forth.

With each “decision in advance” help the adolescent to imagine a future situation where it would be very difficult to keep the decision. Think it through together. Point out how much easier it is to do the right thing when the decision has been made in advance.

To illustrate the point tell them the story of Abraham Lincoln, who was riding in a coach with an important and influential man who was insistent that Lincoln smoke with him. He said he would be offended if Lincoln did not smoke with him. Lincoln said he had made a decision twenty years before not to smoke. He had committed himself to thdecision and had even made the commitment to his mother. Because he had made the decision in advance, courage to keep it came easy for Lincoln, and his friend did not push him further.

For our full monthly values program featuring fun children’s audio stories, audio training for parents, family discussion and activity guides, book lists and more, check out our Alexander’s Amazing Adventures Program based on the #1 NYTimes Bestseller, Teaching Your Children Values by Richard and Linda Eyre.

Photo submitted by Lisa Hawkins

Photo by Phil at www.freedigitalphotos.net

The other day, I decided to abandon all plans of “productivity” and let the winds of motherhood carry me where they may. I’m all for spontaneous tickle fights, staying in pajamas until noon and enjoying unhurried conversations, but on this particular day, the “winds” of motherhood turned into a hurricane, and I felt like Gilligan’s little boat, being tossed to and fro — completely abandoning the three-hour tour.

One power of mothering is “Intention.” We’ve defined this as “living deliberately, choosing your path and moving forward with purpose.” If we don’t take charge of our lives and live with intention, what are the chances that we’ll end up where we really want to be? Here are a three ideas I’ve learned from The Power of Moms:

1. Balance self-discipline and moderation:

“Self-discipline means many things: being able to motivate and manage yourself and your time, being able to control yourself and your temper, being able to control your appetites (and here the companion word, moderation, comes into play).

“Self-discipline and moderation are two sides of the same coin. Self-discipline is pulling up and away from the laziness of doing too little. Moderation is pulling in and away from the excesses of trying to do or to have too much.” (Click here for the full article by Linda Eyre.)

2. Plan what the day will look like:

“Sometimes I rush so much or get so behind in the work required to make this house run smoothly or get so caught up in some project, that although it seems like I’m living a full life (using my talents and doing, doing, doing), I’m really not appreciating anything; not living life fully at all. … Part of achieving this peaceful, ‘life is good’ feeling every day (for me at least) is using discipline. Starting the day with an intention of how I want my inner self to look.

“If I know what helps me feel peace and happiness as a mother, then I and I alone have the power to create a spectacular day, every single day. It’s not that hard of a “recipe” to follow. It’s not asking too much. It’s not about what’s going on OUTSIDE of myself; it’s about the power I have WITHIN myself to feel like this everyday — no matter what the day brings. And for today, the slow and simple things are more than enough to bring me peace and happiness.” (Click here for the full article by Sarah .)

3. Figure out what it takes to thrive:

“One evening as my husband and I were trying to figure out our schedule, he said, ‘How can I best be of help to you this week?’ I looked at my calendar and then replied, ‘Well, to be sane, I need … ‘ and I proceeded to list a couple of things he could help me with, so I could complete all the ‘have-tos’ for the week.

“What my husband said next was so sweet: ‘April, I don’t want you to just be sane, I want you to thrive.’  That was a whole new perspective for me. After thinking about his question for three seconds, I replied, ‘WELL THEN … here’s what I need to thrive. I need 8 hours of sleep during each 24-hour period, four days of exercise, three hours at the library each month … alone, a date night once a week …’ and I went on for a while more. Nothing was unreasonable, just formerly unmentioned. I recognize that not everyone has the support of a loving spouse. We each have our own challenges, and we need to figure out how we can thrive in our individual circumstances.” (Click here for the full article by April Perry.)

CHALLENGE: Looking at your individual circumstances, what would help you live with greater intention?

QUESTION: What principles have you learned about living life “on purpose”?

One of our deliberate mothers at a Power of Moms Retreat. (Photo by Macy Robison)

At Power of Moms, we believe that motherhood is beautiful, noble, and essential for growing strong families and strong communities.

But since it’s so easy to get distracted, we asked our community to answer this question and remind all of us what matters most:

In 10 words or less, what did you love best about your mom while you were growing up? We’re guessing you’re not going to pick her “rock-hard abs,” but is there a specific experience or characteristic that stands out in your mind?

We were deeply touched by the comments we received, and it was wonderful to see that deliberate motherhood isn’t about our employment status, our looks, our exotic vacations, or our ability to be “perfect.”  It’s simple.  It’s personal.  And it’s, quite honestly, amazing.

Click this link to read the whole Facebook thread and then click the link below to hear April and Saren discuss this conversation and share their thoughts about their own mothers. (Add your thoughts in the comments!)

Click here to listen to the broadcast, “What Our Children Will Remember.”

Right click on the link if you’d like to download the audio file to your computer.

Music from Creations by Michael R. Hicks.

In honor of Screen-Free Week, Power of Moms is posting podcasts each day. Happy listening!

Do you ever feel like you move from one task to the next, but never actually get the most important things done?

Join April Perry, Tiffany Sowby, and Briana Johnson in their “Post-Retreat Slumber Party” as they discuss practical ways to structure our days and weeks so we’re not running around simply putting out fires.

Here are some topics the podcast will cover:

• the art of the “Multiple-Choice Perfect Day”

• how we decide which things to cut out

• methods for appreciating the memorable moments we are experiencing (like the day Tiffany’s son turned his goat into a pack animal), and

• possible ways to create a tangible vision for each day and week

This podcast has lots of laughter and fun (it was recorded at a slumber party, after all), but it’ll give you a glimpse into an actual conversation with three deliberate mothers . . . who are simply trying to figure out the best way to raise strong families and enjoy this process of motherhood.

Click here to listen to the podcast, “How Can a Busy Mom Stay Focused?

I don’t know how we forgot to take a picture of all three of us, but the top photo is of Briana and Tiffany, and I’m in the bottom photo.

And click here to access all Power of Moms podcasts in iTunes

Music in the podcast from Creations by Michael R. Hicks.

Additional Links:

Tiffany’s Blog

Briana’s Blog 

Come to a Retreat!

Editor’s Note: The Power of Moms is a website for mothers of all religious preferences. Our Spiritual Sundays section is a place where our authors can write about thoughts that are more spiritual in nature, and our goal is to gather a wide variety of perspectives. If you (or someone you know) has something to add to this section to help us reach a wider audience of mothers, please send the submission to submissions@powerofmoms.com. Thank you!

Title: Miracles and Moments of Grace

Author: Nancy B. Kennedy

Basic Overview:

Miracles and Moments of Grace is a compilation of stories from women of all walks of life who all have something in common: they are all mothers. The author, Nancy Kennedy, has done a beautiful job at recording and collecting stories of hope, love, hardship, joy, worry, or as we could simply say, motherhood. The stories are written or told by each mother herself. As I read it I could imagine myself sitting in a discussion circle at a retreat asking, “So, what has been one of your defining moments of motherhood?” and getting some really beautiful responses. It is a book that is designed to be easy to read a story here and a story there, but they are all so wonderfully inspiring you will not want to put it down.

Parts I liked best:

I loved the introduction by Nancy and the story of her “perfect moment.” After giving birth to her son at age 41, she says she really had wondered if she had it in her to be a mother. While traveling abroad she and her husband took their son, then 4, to a local theme park. She tells how she does not like theme parks and on top of that it was a warm day and the park was crowded. Not expecting to have a great time they trudged on from long line to long line. One particular ride had their 4-year-old driving a mini car around a track, something he was very excited to do. They watched as he rode, quite impressed with his skills. Then, as he exited the ride he ran to her smiling and jumped up into her arms. She says, “This was it. My perfect moment. It was an electrifying moment of pure joy. In that moment, I suddenly and unexpectedly experienced that miraculous connection, that primal, not-to-be-denied clutch of love that claims a child as your own.” (pg. 16)

I loved the variety of stories throughout the book. I felt that there was a story for every mother, or one they could relate to. There were touching stories of infertility, premature babies, and adoption. Others talked about big life changes like going to school while raising a family, living a more health lifestyle, and moving out of state. Some spoke of the small day-to-day moments with their children, like watching them squish a bug, get into mischief, and the ode to the baby swing. There truly is something for everyone.

How this book made an impact in my life, especially as a mother (or why I just really liked it):

This book really inspired me as a mother. One thing that helped me as a mother was seeing I’m not alone! We have all been there. We all have the great joyous moments in motherhood and then we all have the moments where the child is sticking our car keys in the dryer. We can share our joys and our struggles and through that process we inspire and uplift other mothers.

There were so many themes interwoven through each mother’s story, but they all can be summed in one word: love. Even through the hard times, the messes, the tantrums, the struggles, all of these mothers are sharing their stories of love. Love for their families, love for other mothers, and most of all, love for their children.

I think Nancy summed up this wonderful journey of motherhood best when she said, “We know what a mom’s life is like—hectic, chaotic, challenging and sometimes, yes, mind-numbing. Yet somehow, in the end, all the inconveniences, the anxieties, the struggles, the uncertainties fade, until what we have left in our memories are those fleeting moments that leave us in awe of our children and of the job of motherhood.”(page 12)

The Power of Moms is an Amazon Affiliate. If you link to and purchase a book we recommend on Amazon’s website, we will receive a small commission. However, we only make honest endorsements on products we know and use ourselves. Thanks for your support!

Six years ago, three weeks after giving birth to my fourth child, I was in charge of a dinner evening for a group of women. Unfortunately in the days leading up to it, one-by-one, those on the committee had other obligations creep in and declared they would be unable to help or attend. Fortunately, a dear friend stepped in, and together she and I set up tables and chairs for the 40-50 women that would attend. My friend then left before the event began, to attend to another commitment.

I remember very little about the remainder of the evening, except the final few minutes of clean-up in the kitchen. While deciding what to do with the leftovers, a woman, seeming to wonder why no one else had thought of it, emphatically stated, “We must take it to _______. She just had her FOURTH baby last week.”

Although clearly tired, worn-out, and anxious to get home to my three-week-old (fourth) baby, I was not offended. Though I would be lying if I said I didn’t have to bite my tongue to keep from giving a run-down of all I had done to carry out the evening–practically alone, while the food was being packaged up and readied to deliver to the two-weeks-behind-me-post-partum lady.

I like to think back to the evening when the leftovers were declared a necessity to a mother who had just had her fourth child. (Despite the fact no one thought twice about the lady serving the food to the 40+ women who had also just had her fourth child.) That evening, I learned a lesson that, although I think I already knew, I internalized it in a much more lucid way.

I’ll share it with you.

It rang clear to me that night that we each have varying abilities to do different things at different times. Maybe right now you’re serving on a PTA board, exercising every day, pinning AND doing all your pins on Pinterest, and you still have time to sip lemonade on the back patio with a friend. Maybe other weeks in your life, you’re lucky if you kept your kids fed and yourself showered.

Some of us can be in charge of a large social gathering three weeks post-partum. Correction: NO ONE three weeks post-partum should be in charge of anything except feeding and changing a newborn.

Get what I mean though? We are all capable of handling different things, to varying degrees, at different times in our lives. Sometimes we see other mothers doing things that seem above and beyond the basics we are barely getting done. Other times, we are the ones doing more than others and we find ourselves questioning why someone else can’t quite do so much.

Ever heard the expressions, “I have a lot on my plate” or “My plate is full right now”?

During a recent conversation with a friend, I heard a ground-breaking idea: We all have different size plates!

Imagine that!? The reason why there are times when I wonder why I can’t do/handle as much as you can, or the times I wonder why you can’t handle/do as much as I can, is because our plates are completely different sizes.

Some periods in my life my plate is a platter, and I can take on more assignments, more activities and with more energy. And of course there are times my life more closely resembles a saucer. Without a doubt, our plate sizes change over time. There’s a lot of plate sizes out there…saucers, dessert plates, salad plates, dinner plates and platters.

Our plate size isn’t the only thing to consider. What is filling our plate?

I love parties. I especially love the type of parties where there is an assortment of food like finger appetizers and desserts. I love taking small amounts of some of my very favorites, and ignoring the things that I either don’t like or don’t appeal to me. Sometimes I’ll try something new, but more often than not, I stick to my favorites. You’ll rarely find a cookie on my plate at such an event, but you can bet if there are Rice Krispie treats or brownies to choose from, they’ll certainly have a spot (or two) on my plate. I bet in a social situation like that, you’ll rarely find two people in attendance with their plates filled with the same exact choices and portion sizes.

It’s the same with our real life. Our plates may be different sizes, or the same, but what is on your plate and my plate are going to be different. Are you choosing the cookies or the Rice Krispie treats? The chips or the veggies? PTA or employment? A personal hobby or a room mother? Training for a marathon or sewing a quilt?

What fills your plate?

I have never forgotten that evening six years ago, three weeks post-partum, when either my plate was a platter, or some people (including me?) assumed it was. One of the reasons I clearly remember that night is due in part to my dear BFF who frequently (tongue-in-cheek) says the line, “Well, we do need to take dinner to the person who has just had her fourth baby.” She means it metaphorically, anytime our own plates are full, yet we’re asked (or we volunteer) to add more things to it.

I’ve wisened up over the last six years…I’m starting to more closely guard the size of my plate and what fits on it. If I was at a party, I would never dream of piling my plate so full it spilled over. Why? Calories, health, social etiquette and general politeness. Neither would I ever dream of asking the host if I could upgrade to a platter to hold more of my favorite choices.

Let’s treat our “life plates” the same way. Unfortunately, a lot of what fills our plates we can’t change or control, but there is some we can. Too often we try to pile on choices and commitments that aren’t necessary, or we don’t like, etc. What is filling your plate? Guard it closely. Consider your plate size and its contents and only put on it what will be best for YOU and YOUR family at this time in your life. Don’t look at anyone else’s plate. Don’t think your plate has to be bigger. And DON’T, I repeat, DON’T be in charge of a social event when you are three weeks post-partum.

Question: What size is your life plate currently?  Could or should it be bigger or smaller?

Challenge: List the assignments and activities you allow to fill your plate, carefully consider if they are what you really want taking up space.

Image courtesy of rakratchada torsap / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

www.flikr.com/photos

You see them everywhere you go.  They come in a variety of shapes and sizes.  They appear harmless, even friendly.  You’ve been exposed to them your entire life but they still have the power to intimidate you.  They’re in the grocery store, the car pool line, the park, even your own neighborhood. You see them on TV and read about them in your favorite blogs and magazines.  Who are they?

The other mothers.

I first started to notice the other mothers in pregnancy when other young women my age were also starting families and I attended their baby showers.  I started to notice things the other mothers were doing like making homemade quilts or scrapbooks for their unborn babies.  Some of the other mothers were stenciling little chickies around the border of the nursery wall they had recently painted sunny side up yellow.  I wasn’t interested in or good at doing any of those things (which never bothered me before) but I began to compare myself to those other mothers and wondered for the first time if I would be a good mother.

The attention I paid to the other mothers only increased immediately after giving birth to my beautiful, healthy baby girl.  She had a rough time coming into this world and was having a harder time learning to latch on.  I was in one of those ridiculous hospital gowns that tied in the back but didn’t provide a way for a new mother to nurse.  I had just endured 33 hours of labor and had only recently awoken from what I would soon discover was a typical night of horrendous sleep. I was grimy and exhausted, overwhelmed and in tears as I sat there in my hospital bed, gown down, trying to figure out how in the world to feed this child when in came three of the cutest, perkiest, do-goody other mothers I’d ever seen.  I wanted to die. They were just some sweet women from church coming to cheer me up in the hospital, but their very presence suddenly made my superhuman efforts to keep it together look horribly awkward and embarrassing.  Where was my lipstick?  Why didn’t I remember to pack something to nurse in?  Could they tell I had been crying?  I was certain they had never been in a situation like mine and I was humiliated.  There was that question again: would I be a good mother?

Once I came home from the hospital, the other mothers seemed to come out of the woodwork.  One was making homemade baby wipes to be thrifty.  Another was doing a “Mommy & Me” swim class with her infant.  There was the other mother who wore her old jeans 6 weeks after childbirth thanks to her daily jogging stroller workout.  Yet another was pureeing cooked vegetables from her own organic garden.  Some other mothers were teaching their babies to read before they turned one.

As my children got older and started pre-school and then elementary school the other mothers became harder and harder to ignore.  Now they were school carnival committee members asking me to volunteer, brownie troop leaders planning amazing outings and crafts, and hostesses for the birthday party extravaganza of the century.  I wasn’t doing any of these things.  Was I a good mother?

I could never match up.  Some other mother was always doing something better than me, and looking better while they did it!  It made me feel lousy.  To assuage my bruised ego I would sometimes compare myself to the “other” other mothers.  You know – the ones that never have a clean house and take their kids to McDonald’s three times a week.  Those other mothers who yell at their kids and let them pee behind the trees at the park.  I always came out on top when I compared myself to the “other” other mothers who didn’t make it to the pre-school open house, who didn’t take their kids in for regular dental check ups, who didn’t accessorize.  Yes, I was a good mother after all.

But the truth is I didn’t feel that great comparing myself to the “other” other mothers either.  Maybe they were doing the best they could at this mothering business without a spouse or support system.  Maybe they had very little money and a lot of stress I knew nothing about.  Maybe they had health problems, a family member with a disability or some other challenge.  Maybe it was just a bad day! No, it didn’t feel any better to compare down than it did compare up. (Especially since sometimes I could really relate to the “other” other mothers!)

What was my problem anyway?

I was trapped in what I now like to call the “compare snare”.  I had forgotten I was equipped with my own inner compass that told me how to be the best mother I could be.  I was looking outside myself for answers and the more I compared myself to others, the more miserable I was.  John French had it right when he said, “To compare is not to improve.”

The problem comes when we compare our weaknesses against someone else’s strength and find ourselves getting depressed and discouraged instead of motivated and encouraged.   Marvin J. Ashton said, “There is a natural, probably a mortal tendency to compare ourselves with others. Unfortunately, when we make these comparisons, we tend to compare our weakest attributes with someone else’s strongest. Obviously these kinds of comparisons are destructive and only reinforce the fear that somehow we don’t measure up.”

The “compare snare” also leads us into feeling we are in competition with other mothers. A sure sign of this is thinking about having more than or being better than.  Motherhood is not about who makes the moistest cupcakes, who goes to yoga most often or who has the best dressed kids.  There is nothing wrong with trying to be the best mom you can be, but when we start comparing and competing over things that really have nothing to do with mothering, something potentially good turns into something undeniably bad.

How can we direct our energies away from comparing and competing with other mothers toward uniting with them in our common cause of raising good kids?  I think at least some of the answers can be found in giving and getting.  Let me explain.

Give yourself a break. If you are reading this right now, you are most likely a conscientious mother who is trying to improve herself.  It is probably for those very reasons you occasionally get down on yourself and compare yourself to other mothers.  It is my experience that the mothers who have the highest expectations for themselves are often the most susceptible to feelings of inadequacy.  Sometimes the harder we try the harder we fall!  I once knew a beautiful, talented, sweet mother of five bright, well-behaved children.  I was a brand new mom so I looked up to her and thought it was obvious she was doing a tremendous job. You can imagine my surprise when she confided in me that she was having a really hard time.  When I asked why, she said she was frustrated with herself for not getting up earlier in the morning to exercise because she was up so frequently at night with her newborn!  At the time I was impressed she was trying so hard, but now that I have four children of my own I wish I could go back in time and tell her, “Give yourself a break!”  We can’t always live up to the expectations we impose on ourselves, and we certainly shouldn’t impose other people’s expectations on ourselves either.  Motherhood is tough even on a good day so do yourself a favor and give yourself a break!

Give yourself a pat on the back. Now that you aren’t being so hard on yourself, try actually being kind to yourself.  As moms, we make all sorts of crazy lists for things we have to do, things we should do and things we would do if we just had more (fill in the blank).  Here’s a list to make before you do anything else on your “to-do” list tomorrow: the top 10 reasons you’re a great mom.  If you can’t come up with ten things on your own, ask your husband, mother, sister or best friend.  Better yet, ask your children!  You may be pleasantly surprised by their answers.  This is not vanity; this is much needed affirmation of your value as a mother based on your unique personality, strengths, and gifts.  Only note those things that really matter to your children.  (Because that is what motherhood is about, right?)  Are you a great snuggler?  (That’s what my five year old loves about me!)  Do you make your kids feel welcome and happy when they come home after school?  Can you play Candyland ten times in a row without falling asleep?  Do you have the patience to listen to the ramblings of a tween with a smile on your face?  Whatever it is, write it down and put it somewhere you can refer to when you feel yourself falling into that “compare snare”.  You’re doing a great job, Mom, so give yourself a pat on the back!

Give it up. Once you learn to be more forgiving and kind to yourself, you’re ready for the next step:  giving up your pride and the imaginary battle for “Mother of the Universe”.  It actually feels nice to give up pride – to acknowledge your weaknesses and own them.  Life is so much easier and enjoyable without pretenses.  Trying to show “Mrs. Jones” you’re always on top of everything only causes both of you grief.  You can never let your guard down and she can never be herself around you.  I actually go out of my way now to quickly expose my weaknesses to other mothers because I have found it immediately knocks down any potential walls and creates an atmosphere of honesty and mutual support.  What mom doesn’t need more of that?  I have a long list of things I don’t do that I used to consider prerequisites for being a good mom.  I don’t sew, scrapbook, or have a garden.  I’ve never been a room mom and I don’t like making crafts.  You don’t have to be good at everything to be a good mom and you certainly don’t need to be the best at anything.  (No one would like you if you were anyway!)  Motherhood is not a competition, it’s a commitment to our children.  Save your mental and physical energy for things that really matter like a good long talk with your teenager or an afternoon at the park with your toddler.  (And by all means, make crafts with your pre-schooler if you are good at that!)

Give credit where credit is due. Being able to admit and own your weaknesses as well as recognize and utilize your strengths makes it much easier to give credit where credit is due.  What I mean by this is, if one of the other mothers organizes a really great class party, runs a 5K with their daughter, or wins the community cookie bake-off, you can easily compliment them and give them credit rather than falling into the “compare snare” which often leads to feelings of inadequacy and criticism.  Let’s face it, the pretty popular girls turned “supermom” are out there and they do some amazing things, but we don’t need to feel threatened by them or in competition with them if we are confident and comfortable with ourselves.  It feels good to give an honest compliment, to recognize someone else’s efforts and relinquish the need to be in the spotlight.

Get real. On the other hand, sometimes we overestimate how hunky dory the other mothers’ lives are because we only see them at their best on a good day. Our judgments about other mothers (especially ones we don’t know too well) are most likely incorrect.  We’ve all had the experience of making a judgment about someone only to be proven wrong once we got to know them.  We don’t really know what the other mothers are struggling with.  Just because someone is a fitness trainer and the PTA president doesn’t necessarily mean they are keeping it all together at home.  Everyone has to choose how to spend the same 24 hours each day.   Most people who are particularly successful in one area of their life by necessity neglect something else.  No matter how put together she may seem on the outside, you can be sure that other mother has her own personal challenges.  You might also be surprised to know that the “intimidating” other mother is intimidated by you!  What comes naturally to you and seems completely ordinary just may seem extraordinary to her.  As mothers, we need to get real and recognize that we all struggle with something.  Be ready to give that other mother a break and let her feel she could come to you and share her struggles if she needed some support.  It’s so much better than comparing from afar!

Get with the program. Now that you have a realistic perspective of the other mothers, you can get with the program and befriend any and all of them.  It’s a wonderful thing to be a part of “Club Mom”.  There are literally millions of women out there ready and willing to be your friend and supporter because of the universal bond of motherhood.  As fellow mothers we know and understand so much about each other simply because of our common experience.  When my fourth child was just six weeks old we took our whole family to Disneyland.  I was feeling a little sorry for myself because I would have to miss out on some of the fun to go to the mother’s lounge and nurse the baby several times that day.  What I didn’t expect was how many other mothers would be doing the same thing!  I had so much fun getting to know those other mothers through the wonderful, instantaneous bond of motherhood!  We shared birth stories, nursing tips, and crazy mom moments.  We laughed as we commiserated about the mutual struggles we all encounter when our children are babies.  Don’t be afraid to reach out to one of the other mothers.  They may be caught in the “compare snare” and your friendliness could be what they need to help them see how rewarding it is to be a part of this great sisterhood called Motherhood!

Get on with your life. Marquis de Condorcet said, “Enjoy your own life without comparing it with that of another.” You have children to cherish and they are only getting older. Move on!  Be your own kind of mother! Your children were sent to you, not to the other mother down the street.  Being your best self instead of trying to be like someone else is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.  I believe our families are not accidental, and by celebrating and utilizing your unique personality, interests and talents you cannot help but be the mother intended for your children.  The added benefit is that kind of role model will allow your children to be their best selves as they approach adulthood.

I don’t wonder anymore if I’m a good mom.  I know my children are happy, healthy, safe and loved.  What is more important than that? Whether or not I get a green and orange vegetable on the dinner table every night or make personalized Christmas stockings by hand like that other mother is no longer my measure for success.

We all wish we could do certain things over and for me, I wish I could go back in time to that day in the hospital when my first child was born.  I would welcome those cute little other mothers into my room, laugh at myself, have a good honest cry and ask them to tell me about their experiences.  I would be more open to their advice as well as their friendship.

Motherhood can be one of the loneliest jobs in the world, so who better to share it with than those who are on this exhausting and exhilarating journey with us?  Who better than the other mothers!

CHALLENGE: Choose one thing you feel insecure about as a mother and let go of it.  Journal about it or write it down on a piece of paper and tear it up or burn it.

QUESTION: How do you avoid the “compare snare” in your own life?

PREVIOUS COMMENTS (11)

Saren
Said this on 6-3-2009 At 07:56 pm

Amen, Sister, Amen. Thanks for capturing everything so well and outlining ways we can all work to get out of that “compare snare.” As we strive to be our best, it’s so easy to be demoralized by others who seem to be so great at the things that challenge us most – but with a little time and effort, I’m sure we’d quickly see that we’re better at many things than that mother we’re envious of! We all have our strengths and a big challenge with a big reward is learning to accept and celebrate our own strengths rather than pining away after someone else’s.

I love all the great quotes you used and your clear, fun and inviting writing style!

Shawna
Said this on 6-16-2009 At 08:25 pm

What a fantastic article, and so well-written. I’ve certainly felt the kind of intimidation that you describe in your article, and it only gets in the way of being able to focus on the blessing my children are to me. I loved your line about how our kids are sent to us (and other kids are sent to other moms) for a reason: I must be perfectly suited to them. This is a thought I can build upon. Thank you for your ideas!

Sharon Kaye
Said this on 6-23-2009 At 09:44 am

Comparing ourselves to others usually is not productive. We can look at people we admire and choose one quality we would like to develop. But, then we need to use that quality in the way that fits us and not try to be someone else. We all have “mother gifts” that we give our children. We need to give ourselves credit for all the good we do. Thank you for the great article.

Ashley
Said this on 6-23-2009 At 08:44 pm

I loved this article and really needed it right now! It truly seems that the longer I’ve been a mother (3 years) the more inadequate I feel when I get into the “compare snare”. I recently realized what I’ve been doing to myself and am stepping back to realize what makes ME a good mother for MY children. And try not to think about the others, but appreciate our differences. I agree with you that it’s much better when we feel part of team. Let’s be honest, we all need a little help! Thank you for your insights and well-writen article!

Christina Bartholomew
Said this on 6-24-2009 At 10:58 am

I really liked this article, until I got to the part about how you are one of those moms who can play Candyland ten times in a row. Oh no! Am I a failure because I hate that game? I wish I were like those moms who like to play mind-numbing games with their kids!

Just kidding! You’re right about how it’s all too easy to compare ourselves to others. I find it helps to celebrate the good you find in others without the comparison — usually that “other mother” is looking at your strengths and feeling herself lacking as well.

Sarah
Said this on 6-24-2009 At 03:19 pm

Great article…it’s so hard NOT to compare and I find myself doing this the most when I am feeling down about a certain part of life…maybe one of the kid’s behaviors, my body, my house…it is easy to fall into that trap. I know enough now that every mother, even the best of the best, can appear to not have it together, as no one does all the time.

AnnA
Said this on 6-8-2010 At 01:20 pm

AMEN SISTA!   Girl, you absolutely nailed it with this article.  ii cannot tell you how much I deal with the “compare snare’ and I know others who will need to read this article.  I am going to share it right away.

Mary Anne
Said this on 6-29-2010 At 04:09 pm

Being a single mother, living in a neighborhood of super-high-achievers, and having grown up with so many opportunities, I so easily fall into the “compare snare”. My expectations far exceed my limitations right now, and yet I still try to keep up with all of those ‘other’ mothers. I am much more in the ‘other’ other mother category, which keeps me from looking down on anybody. Yet I am paralyzed and overwhelmed by the accomplishments of other mothers and their children. This article perfectly described the problem and some great solutions. I hope I can apply the advice given! Thank you.

Koni
Said this on 10-24-2010 At 03:19 pm

Oh no!  I have done one of those things that the other other mothers do.  As a mom of 4 boys, there have been times where there were no other options than that tree at the park!  I have learned that, sometimes (although not usually) that is ok and it doesn’t mean that I am a bad mom – it usually means that my child waited until the last possible minute and the bathroom is a long ways away.  I’ve learned that grinding wheat, making homemade bread, and homemade jam, which is second nature to me, is an impossiblity to others, while decorating my home for each season and being crafty are an impossibilty for me.  We all have our strengths and shouldn’t compare our weaknesses with someone else’s strengths.  We all have specific talents and should do the best we can with them and not beat ourselves up because we don’t do those things that the other moms do.  By the way, I don’t accessorise either (my kids ask if we are going to church during the week if I put earrings in because I usually only wear them on Sundays).  But it’s ok…

Anne
Said this on 10-25-2010 At 11:55 am

Thank you for the fantastic article. I’m bookmarking this to read again the next time I’m feeling “less than”.  My children were born to me for a reason. I rarely look put together and I don’t have an ounce of craftiness in me, but when I step back and look at these things objectively I see that I’m doing well at the things that are important to me as a mother.  If I’m not, then that’s when I need to step up my game.  I need to keep that filter to determine what’s truly important to me and my family, rather than what may look good to outsiders.

Christina Simon
Said this on 2-9-2011 At 11:23 am

I love this piece! Thank for writing, you said it so perfectly. I’m going to share this with friends.

There are amazing, devoted, wonderful, deliberate mothers out there, and each week we’ll spotlight one of them here at The Power of Moms. Do you know a mom who deserves a little time in the spotlight? Email rachelle.price (at) powerofmoms.com. We can’t wait to meet her.

Introducing Katrina Berg

How many children do you have and what are their ages?

My husband and I have three children: the builder is our 8-year-old son, the dancer is our 6-year-old daughter, and the explorer is our soon-to-be 5-year-old-son.

What are some unique and interesting aspects of your family or your approach to mothering? What do you do that is a little different than what seems to be the “norm”? What have you decided to prioritize in your mothering that you see as somewhat unusual?

Early in our marriage we adopted a favorite quote from the late James E. Faust as our marriage/family motto:

Marriage [Family Life] is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine.

It has become our family quest. Truly, there is not enough time and we lack the energy to do every good thing or enjoy every beauty that the world has to offer. Instead, we’ve decided to carefully chose and enjoy as much as we can together. Where I spent much of my childhood in the car shuttled between private lessons, we are constantly seeking ways for us to learn and grow together. When the kiddos were young (and now during summer), we would spend our mornings hiking, biking, doing literacy-based activities, cooking, working/cleaning, and painting. Now, I find us multi-tasking wherever possible: at meal-times we are reading, reciting, and sharing as we eat. In the winter, I volunteer at their after-school ski program so that we can ski together as much as possible.

Our latest goal is to have family music nights/lessons, where we learn and share music (vocally & with instruments) in an open, loving and creative atmosphere (at home). We’ll invite musically-inclined locals to join our journey once a week and see where it leads.  I’d love to read comments below of experiences from families/moms who’ve done something similar or have suggestions.

What have been the biggest challenges of motherhood for you?

Motherhood has been such a classroom of learning for me. There are so many aspects to the way a family functions and we’ve felt a bit upside down this past year. We’ve been blessed to live with my husband’s very patient mother as we build our non-traditional home with an unexpected move-in date. Tight quarters, belongings boxed away and new schedules and rules to learn…it has been an adjustment and a great growing experience for each of us. Things we would normally do and feel comfortable about (dancing and singing loudly to the stereo while cleaning, inviting families for dinner and games, messy art projects, etc.) just doesn’t work right now. We are looking forward to all the quirky things that make our family tick. More than anything, we’ve learned to show more love, respect, and patience while remembering what really is important: each other. Personally, I’ve redrawn goals and expectations, and have learned to be more forgiving of myself and others. This alone I know will help me become the mother I truly desire to be.

What coping strategies do you have for getting through hard times and hard days?

The family photo above was taken a couple years ago.  It was an extended-family photo shoot, with my parents and siblings. Our children are the only grandchildren, which can sometimes be a fun-filled benefit for them, and yet at other times, it is hard being the only children (like during a formal photo shoot on a cold, early morning, with so many focused adults). The younger two were not feeling photogenic; they were shy and reclusive, to be exact. They didn’t know the photographer and where I will follow them around to take photos of them naturally, they were asked to hold still in very formal positions. Surprisingly enough, they were not enjoying the experience. We wanted just one good shot of our little family. On a whim, my husband turned the youngest upside down which made everyone laugh, et voilà, a beautiful shot that has become our favorite family portrait. I’m so blessed to have a partner that is willing to jump out of the box at times to make the most of the situation.

What has surprised you about motherhood?

Motherhood is so much broader than I had ever imagined. I’ve been blessed by so many great women throughout my life who have set such an inspiring example. I am constantly reminded that being a good mother is about friendship. I’m learning to follow others and be available (within our home, neighborhood, and beyond). Our family has been blessed in big and small ways by those with big hearts and open enough schedules. We have discovered that life’s bumps and bruises seem so much easier to bear when we take the time to lift others and think beyond ourselves.

Sometimes I forget all my training and get annoyed very quickly. I sometimes start to think: “That’s it! I am going to make them listen once and for all!” In all my years of parenting, 17 next week, this has never worked for me. Whenever I go this route, I inevitably find myself embroiled in some sort of power struggle, involving yelling, digging in of heels (both mine and my kids’), and hurt feelings (again, both mine and my kids’), because we can’t ever really make our kids listen. I need to remind myself of this all the time.

It is always better when I regroup, take a deep breath, reflect, and ask myself, “How can I help this child listen? How can I gain their cooperation?”

I also need to take stock and remember that it is not easy for kids to listen. It requires a lot of concentration. I also know that nobody likes to be told what to do. It can be demoralizing to listen to commands all day long.

What works for kids? Structure and schedules are great for kids. I know that once my kids are involved in setting up routines, they are a lot more cooperative.

When I ask for their input, I will get a child who is obliging and responsive:

“How do you want to work your schedule tonight?”

“What does your schedule look like today? When are you available to clean your room?

When I give choices, kids feel in charge of themselves and are amenable to almost anything:

“Do you want me to put you to bed, or do you want to get in all by yourself?”

“Are your brushing your teeth first or taking a bath first?”

When I remember that a child who feels discouraged cannot listen, because they feel put upon, I can get more cooperation if I give them a listening ear and some TLC:

“Sometimes kids can’t do their chores because they need some alone time with their parents. You want to go out tomorrow afternoon, just the two of us?”

Most of all I need to remember that deep down, kids desperately want our approval and if they aren’t listening, they need some encouragement:

“I love you all the time, whether you brush your teeth or not.”

I also need to remember that kids deep down want to listen and cooperate. They just need us to be loving and patient as they learn how.

Question: Is there a way that we can remind ourselves that kids may have their own good reasons when they are not “listening”?

Challenge: When our kids are “not listening” instead of getting angry, can we use a better strategy to help them listen?

Adina Soclof invites you to take part in her new free email course: 7 Ways To Help Your Kids Listen In 7 Days.”  You can sign up on her website: www.parentingsimply.com.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Editor’s Note from April: This excerpt from Katrina Kenison’s Mitten Strings for God really struck a chord with me.  The more I read about mothers’ experiences turning off the TV, the more excited I am to try it in my own home.  We thought this would be a great featured post as we prepare for Screen-Free Week April 29th – May 5th.  

Once we see our homes as sanctuaries from a hectic world, then televison begins to feel more and more like an unsavory intruder, robbing our rooms of life and meaning, stealing our time, and preying on our souls. When it comes to TV, less is really more. Or, as my son Henry has advised me: “Just say that TV fills your head up with other people’s ideas, which means that you don’t have as much room for your own. Also, it’s a waste of time.” Words of wisdom from a product of the counterculture.

When the TV goes off, life begins.

In this week’s Radio Show, April and Saren share what they’ve learned about diet and exercise and explain how what we LOOK like matters much less than how we FEEL.

Our children don’t care whether we’re a bit jiggly. They just want us to have the energy to play with them. Our husbands and friends want us to be happy and feel good about ourselves more than they’d want us to look a certain way. And when we focus on becoming stronger and healthier for the right reasons, it’s easier to stay motivated.

 Click here to listen to the broadcast Episode 13, “Getting Healthier and a Little More Fit .”

Right click on the link above to download the Radio Show to your computer. 

Show Notes

Julie Morgenstern interview by Katie Couric

Those Darn Long Hills (Saren’s blog post referenced by April)

Beauty Redefined (podcast about developing healthy perspectives about our bodies and conveying those healthy perspectives to our children)

Solutions to Moms’ Body Issues (podcast offering practical ways to have a positive view of our bodies and make exercise and nutrition a priority)

Mom’s Body Image (article by April sharing personal experiences and gathering great ideas from our audience)

Music from Creations by Michael R. Hicks.

 In order to pay for my kids’ private Christian schooling, I had to work, teaching K-12 Music at their school.  Unfortunately, many of my students thought music was just a subject to goof off in and and make an easy A. The frustration mounted.

Evenings were filled with homework, school projects (the bane of my existence), and ballgames. My kid’s schedules were ruling our lives, as we dashed from point A to point B. Every night, we rushed home to get all the kids showered and in bed at a decent hour.

 I felt so tired of the rat race, and one day, the thought occurred to me: “Why am I teaching other people’s kids during the day and my own at night with homework? Why can’t I just teach my own kids during the day, and we can have our evenings free?”

 And that’s exactly what I did. Homeschooling isn’t for everyone, but for my family, it was the right answer. We had a few bumps along the way and had to make a few adjustments, but I finally felt at peace that this was what I was supposed to be doing. And it felt good.

 Perhaps, you are also tired of running around like a chicken with your head cut off because you’re trying to meet everyone’s expectations. Or you may feel like you are busy performing needless activities but will feel guilty if you don’t. The truth is, you don’t have to do the same thing as everyone else. Sometimes the best solutions come from thinking outside the box.

 Here are some guidelines I’ve used to help make decisions for my family:

 1. Is it a good fit for your family?  Does it jive with everyone’s schedules, or is it a headache to make it work? Are you more agitated because of it, and in turn, do you take it out on your family? How does your family feel about this activity or responsibility? If there is a constant struggle to make it work, it may either need to be adjusted or eliminated.

2. Does it point your children towards a path you would like them to follow?  Does this particular activity shape your children into something that will help them in the future? Is it something you would like for them to implement with their own family someday? Does it fit your child’s personality?

3. Is this decision about how you want others to perceive you, or is it about what’s best for your kids?T  his is a tough one. A lot of times we take on things without really considering if we are doing them just because it’s the expected norm. Sometimes we feel guilty, as if we’re not providing enough stimulation for our kids because “everyone else is doing it.” Consider your inner motives. If the activity truly is not beneficial for your kids, it may be time for a change.

4. What is your husband’s opinion on the subject, and how does this affect him?  If you are married, everything flows much more smoothly when you and your husband are on the same team. There’s no substitute for a united front. Have you asked him how he feels about the matter? If he is unsupportive, uncomfortable, or just plain indifferent to the idea, you probably need to have a talk. Approach it objectively, and listen to what he has to say.

5. Do you have inner peace about the matter?  You know whether or not your gut is against you. Popping the Rolaids and getting on with your day “grinning and bearing it” is not ideal. There’s something to be said for that nagging voice in the back of your mind. Take some time to list the pros and cons. Mull it over, pray, give it a few more days if necessary, and then make a decision and stick with it. Chances are, it won’t be the last time you have that opportunity.

One last bit of advice: view each year as a fresh start. If you drop something from your schedule this year, that doesn’t mean you can’t take it back up the next. Your kid will not be scarred for life if he doesn’t play ball for one season or if she sits out of dance for a year.

If you are reading this article, chances are, you’re seeking the best for your children already. If you feel like life has gotten too busy or out-of-control, all is not lost.  With a bit of introspection and adjustment to the schedule, you can find peace and balance in your daily life with your children.

QUESTION:  What measuring stick do you use to decide if an activity is best for your family?

CHALLENGE:   Take an inventory of your family’s activities. Use the suggestions in this article to evaluate them and make changes, if needed.

Images provided by Ruthie Gray.

A few days ago I had one of *those* days. …

By the end of the day I was nearly in tears. I was mad at my kids and mad at myself. The worst thing of all was the disconnect I felt from them as their little hearts and mine clashed and throbbed all day long.

I posted a status on my personal Facebook account about achieving an “F-minus” in motherhood. Sweet encouragement and words of truth began popping in on my status and in my inbox from mamas who’ve been there and totally get it.

As wisdom and truth began to permeate my heart I could feel my lungs constricting slowly, my shoulders relaxing a tiny bit.

These are some of the truths that were given to me at that time, and a few others I have come across elsewhere. Perhaps you might need to hear them from time to time, too?

Are you feeling like a failure? We encourage you to click over to Keeper of the Home and read Beth’s beautiful words of encouragement.

Authors: Joseph Allen, PH. D. and Claudia Worrell Allen , PH. D.

Why I liked this book:

I can’t figure out if I loved this book because it confirms a lot of hunches (or gut feelings) I’ve had over the last years about the right and wrong way to approach the adolescent years or because it also challenges me to think in new ways. It reminds me a lot of one of my other favorite books, “Parenting With Dignity,” in that it doesn’t offer fancy systems and quick fixes. Instead, it offers a different way to think–a worthy way to think–about raising our children and raising young adults. I also like that it offers great perspective. How have things changed for teenagers since 100-200 years ago? What does teen/young adult life look like in other parts of the world? I think having a broader vision can indicate where we need to improve and change our approaches and what odd new ideas (or good ones!) we’ve had that have improved or stressed our relationships and our children’s upbringing.

Basic Overview:

Our teens need to be challenged. They need adult expectations and responsibilities. They need to do meaningful work, and feel needed in that work. If we want their respect, we need to treat them respectfully. We need to have relationships with our teens–that connection proves to be more important than rules and regulations. They need adult relationships, not just relationships with fellow teens. We need to expect more from them (not talking about SAT scores) and ask for their help with complicated or adult-level tasks we might expect them not to be able to do (but they can and will manage them!).

Parts I Liked Best:

I have so many corners turned over!  Here are a few of my turned-down pages:

 

Interesting stuff, huh?

If you’ve got teenagers or pre-teens, I highly recommend this book.

The Power of Moms is an Amazon Affiliate.  If you click over and purchase a book we recommend on Amazon’s website, we will receive a small commission that helps support our site.  However, we only make honest endorsements on products we know and use ourselves.  You can check out all the other books and toys we recommend in our Amazon Store. Thanks for your support!

There are amazing, devoted, wonderful, deliberate mothers out there, and each week we’ll spotlight one of them here at The Power of Moms. Do you know a mom who deserves a little time in the spotlight? Email rachelle.price (at) powerofmoms.com. We can’t wait to meet her.

Introducing Sara Harding

How many children do you have and what are their ages?

My husband, Chris, and I have eight children: Sadie (15), Jimmy (13), Halee (13), Tia (10), Olivia (9), Shon (8), Austin (7), and Gracie (5).

What are some unique and interesting aspects of your family or your approach to mothering? What do you do that is a little different than what seems to be the “norm”? What have you decided to prioritize in your mothering that you see as somewhat unusual? 

Eight children in ten years was never part of the plan that Chris and I made for ourselves. After having our fifth biological child, we felt like we had our hands plenty full. But the first week of 2011, I had a visitor come to the children’s class I was teaching at church. We were used to visitors in our class, but for some reason, this ten-year-old boy intrigued me more than the others had.  I’m not sure if it was his great smile, his big brown eyes, or most likely, his strong desire to learn and do good. Whatever the reason, I immediately fell in love with him.

I found out later that he was living in a foster home in my neighborhood. As the weeks passed and I got to know him better, I grew to love him even more. After a couple of months, I learned that the rights of this boy’s birth mother were being terminated. I also learned that he had two younger siblings living in a different foster home. There was concern that these children would be separated from each other. I worried a lot about what the future held in store for this boy.  Still, I never expected what was going to happen next.

To make an incredibly long story short…after many months of trying to push the idea out of our minds, Chris and I began considering bringing these children into our home. The following months were filled with worry, fear, confusion, sadness, more meetings than I care to remember, lots of classes and training, and lots and lots of adjustments. These months were also filled with hope, excitement, joy, love, inspiration, and miracle after miracle after miracle. By the end of what seemed to be an incredibly long year, 2011, we were able to add three absolutely amazing children to our family through adoption. Our family is definitely different than what might be considered “the norm”, but we wouldn’t have it any other way.

What have been your favorite parts of motherhood? How do you cultivate joy in your journey as a mother?

Finding joy in my mothering is not always easy. There was a day just recently where by 8:00 a.m., I had run to the junior high three times taking forgotten items to forgetful children.

Following that, I came home to find milk spilled all over the floor. Along with that, one child was feeling sick and another was refusing to go to school. In a rush, I not-so-nicely demanded that they all get in the car, the above-mentioned child still fighting the idea of going to school.  After literally prying his hands off the bars of the headrest to get him out of the car, I had to chase him through the halls of the school and ultimately ended up crawling on the floor OF THE BOYS BATHROOM  IN AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL…SO GROSS…to get under the stall where I could convince him that going to class was the right thing to do.

Completely exhausted, I came home and pulled myself together enough to begin my sixteen loads of laundry and move on to my grocery list that was as long as the Nile River. It is days like these that I find it a little difficult to find joy in my mothering.

However, I have found a pretty good cure. As soon as these negative thoughts begin to creep into my mind, if I will immediately start making a mental list of all of the things I have to be grateful for, I am reminded that my eight beautiful, healthy, sometimes nice, children are right there on the top of the list. And everything seems to be OK again.

What have you learned from motherhood? Please share a specific story or incident that really taught you something.

Most of the important knowledge that I have gained at this point in my life has come from my experiences as a mother. But one lesson that is on my mind currently is that it is not the huge things that we offer our children (exotic vacations, fancy clothes and toys, unique experiences) that mold them the most. It is the small, everyday things that have the most influence on our children. Just being there.

Whenever possible, I try and visit with my kids for just a minute as they lay in their beds before going to sleep. (I have to take turns as I can’t get to all eight of them in one night). Traditional questions that I ask them include, “What was the best part of your day today?” and “What was the worst part of your day today?” I was surprised the other night as I asked my seven-year-old son these questions. He had done some fun things at school that day, been to soccer practice that night AND had some time to play with friends. I thought for sure that one of these activities would be the “best part” of his day. I was wrong. When I asked what the very best part of his day was, he said, “You laying here with me.”

What have you learned about motherhood that you wished you’d known sooner and would like to pass along?

I think that quite possibly the most important thing for moms to remember is to never give up. I have a plaque on my piano that says, “motherhood ain’t for sissies.” Isn’t that the truth?

Motherhood is hard and we are going to make mistakes. I personally make them every day over and over and over again. It is easy to get discouraged. But we can say sorry and try again. And day by day, we will be better. This concept alone might be the best lesson we can ever teach our children.

Picture courtesy of Sara Harding

What I hadn’t counted on was that parenting throws curve balls and that all the parenting books in the world aren’t going to help you figure out your own style as a parent.

During my pregnancy, I planned on a natural childbirth and thoroughly researched birth options. I hired a doula as a birthing coach, made a birth plan, and practiced breathing and birthing exercises religiously for months before my due date.

A few hours into labor, however, I begged for an epidural and refused to do any of the breathing or labor exercises that I had practiced. Near the end of labor, I was rushed into the operating room for an emergency C-section after my son’s heart rate dropped. I had never even considered the possibility that I would have a difficult delivery and recovery, but what I had not planned for turned out to be my reality.

From there, my plans for parenting continued to crumble. I’d planned to breastfeed for a year after my son was born. During pregnancy, I took a breastfeeding class and bought breast pumps and all of the equipment, books, and clothing that I thought I would need.

But after the first few weeks of his life, my son developed colic, and we discovered that he had a severe milk and soy allergy.  With input from a pediatric gastroenterologist, I chose to start feeding him hypoallergenic formula. I felt tremendous guilt because, again, I had broken one of my parenting vows.

Next, I planned to develop good sleep habits and routines for my newborn so that “cry it out” or other more drastic sleep training techniques would never be necessary.  Before my son was born, I read about infant sleep patterns and methods for assisting babies to learn how to sleep through the night.

Despite my planning (are you noticing a pattern here yet?), by the time he was four months old, my son was still waking up every two hours.  He had no sleep routine, despite our continuous efforts to help him develop them.  He was miserable and we were miserable.  We eventually hired a sleep consultant, and after several rounds of sleep training, my son became a happier, healthier baby.

I could go on and on, citing other examples from my son’s first year and a half.  It was all the same pattern, and it took me many months to figure it out: I would develop a plan for how I would parent, based on research and experts, and then our situation or my son’s personality (or mine) wouldn’t work with my “plan.”  I’d be disappointed and feel guilty for not parenting in the “right” way.

He is now almost two.  I realized the other day that I haven’t picked up a parenting book for a long time.  During the last few weeks, my son developed problems with his napping, often refusing to nap, but it didn’t occur to me to consult an “expert.”  Instead, I relied on my own intuition about what has worked in the past and my son’s temperament.

Reflecting on this, I’ve realized that all of my experiences in “failure” as a parent have actually helped me to become a better parent.  What is often missing in all the debates about parenting styles and research is the key ingredient to good parenting:  flexibility.

No matter what you think your parenting style will be or is, just know that life doesn’t always work out exactly as you plan.  Kids respond to different approaches.  You may want to co-sleep more than anything in the world, but your kid may hate it, or you may not be able to sleep well, or your spouse may hate it.  You may believe breastfeeding is always best, but you might have trouble and decide that it’s not working for your family.  Be open to the possibilities: for me now, that’s what “good” parenting is.

QUESTION:  How have you adapted your parenting style to fit your children’s and your needs?

CHALLENGE:  Be flexible in your parenting approach. Use your instinct, rather than relying only on what experts say to help you make decisions for your child.

Image Source:  Jessica Smock

Join April and Saren as they talk about how they deal with what they’ve come to call “post-retreat let-down syndrome.”

This radio show podcast will help you:

• learn how to give yourself a break
• move forward at a pace that really works for you and your family
• realize that it’s OK to have a down day and/or put some great ideas on the shelf for a while

 Click here to listen to the broadcast, “Dealing with the Down Days.”

Right click on the link above to download the Radio Show to your computer. 

Show notes: (resources referenced in the show)

Riding the Waves of Pain and Joy

Spring Decor – in the Snow (Saren’s blog post)

Free Member Package

Music from Creations by Michael R. Hicks.

I (April) heard about it 30 minutes before my children got home from school, and initially, I wasn’t quite sure when (or how) I was going to talk about it with them. During our afternoon snack, however, my 13-year-old checked her Instagram feed and said, “What happened today? Everyone is posting images that say ‘Pray for Boston.’”

So then the conversation happened. I kept it simple, but I explained the facts, and then we had a brief but tender family discussion about tragedies, choices, life and death, fear, hope, and purpose.

While horrifying and devastating, this tragedy isn’t the first I’ve had to discuss with my children, and it unfortunately won’t be the last, so today Saren and I thought it would be helpful to gather as deliberate mothers and help each other identify the best ways to help our families handle tragedy.  (We recorded this as a podcast and also included the main points below.)

Click here to listen to the podcast, “Deliberate Mothering Ideas for Handling Tragedies” – Episode 52.

Right click on the podcast link if you’d like to download the audio file to your computer.

The thoughts we’ve put together here are a compilation from our Power of Moms Facebook community (to see all the comments on our Facebook page, click here). We also welcome you to share your thoughts below and take part in this conversation. Our hope is that we can all help each other work through the grief and shock and move forward with compassion and hope. Each of these points is discussed in more detail in the podcast at the beginning of this page.

(1) With younger children, we may not want to discuss it at all. Most toddlers and young preschoolers don’t really need to discuss what is going on in the larger world. If they are not going to be hearing about the bombing from outside sources, we may choose not to bring up this incident with them at all.

(2) With school-age children or teens, we want to be the ones to frame the tragedy in an appropriate way.

If children are in school they will hear about it from other kids or teachers and it may not be framed in a way that you will be happy with. It is better to set the tone of this event in a way that works for you and your family to help your kids from becoming afraid by the accounts of others. – Lisa Trainor

I didn’t tell my children about the recent school shootings, afraid it would traumatize them. Instead, they learned about it from kids at school, and the school had an “intruder drill” to practice what to do if it happened in real life. The reality is, as their mother, I have to tell them about these things. If I don’t, someone else will and in perhaps not a reassuring way that there are others that ARE good people and that we can be examples to others in everyday life of goodness in hopes to change the bad in the world. – Nichole Isom

This is the world they live in, and we as their guardians and parents need to teach them. – Deirdre Davis

(3) Be honest.

Expressing the basic facts about the tragedy in a calm and compassionate way generally works well for children. Showing them images and information that we’ve pre-screened and carefully selected based on what we know about our children’s interests and needs can be very helpful. Children appreciate the truth – but they don’t need to know or see every gory detail. Expressing our own feelings about the event, our sadness over the fact that some people make really bad choices that hurt others, our compassion for those who were hurt and lost loved ones, etc. can help our children learn compassion.

(4) Focus on the good.

“’When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.’ ~Mr. Rogers.

Point being it doesn’t matter if it was 1 person or many who orchestrated the attacks, the point is there will always be more heroes and people willing to help then there will be bad guys.” – Diane Clements

I told my 6 year old and he looked at me and said, “There’s more good people in this world than bad people. There’s only, like, 400 bad people and a MILLION good people. - Karin Cevasco

(5) Listen and invite our children to ask questions.

After laying out the facts and sharing our feelings, it’s great to ask children if they have any questions or concerns. Children may not have questions right away. That’s fine. We can let them know that they are welcome to bring up questions and share their thoughts with us at any time.

(6) Pray or gather together to focus on those who were directly impacted by the disaster.

While we may wish that there were something tangible we could do to help when a tragedy happens, often the only thing we can actively do is show our compassion and concern through positive thoughts, positive actions, and prayers.

My husband is on a terrorism task force and trains law enforcement around the country in situations like this. Things like this are common discussion in our lives, since our kids were small. We are honest, we talk about the disaster, then we talk a lot about the good – humanity and the heart of others helping strangers, first responders running towards the danger – fearless and determined. We talk a lot about families and how when tragedy strikes, it reminds us how we are all one big family. We listen and let them ask all their questions. We reassure their safety and to have continued faith in their protection and prayers for others. Of course this is a personal decision for each parent, but I do not see anxiety in my children over these things because we discuss it with them. By discussing and being prepared, they are strong in the face of adversity. – Jonelle Hughes

(7) Don’t feed the fear.

Don’t feed the fear. I have to tell myself that too. I know we need to teach our children to be safe, and its going to be talked about somewhere. The discussion has its own time and purposes, but when we worry, and we post our opinions, and we let it flood the news, or other media (Facebook), and we let it drag on and turn into other issues, it fuels the fear. – Julia Weis

I do remember when we did have nonstop TV on a news subject and that was the US/Cuba thing. I wasn’t afraid because my parents weren’t afraid. – Joanne Black

I told my boys, “It’s scary, but you don’t have to be afraid.” – Julie Pasta

It’s easy to get consumed with following these big news stories and the sensational photos and details that keep popping up on the Internet and in the news. But it’s important to help our children be calm and compassionate through our examples of continuing our regular lives with an extra dosage of kindness concern.

(8) Let our children know they can trust the adults to handle this.

I also reassured my kids that there are grown ups who are prepared to deal with any scary situation – we talked about fire drills and police and ambulances and school procedures and plans that are all made to keep them safe and respond to any situation, so that they don’t have to worry about “what if” because the grown ups are taking care of it. In Boston, all the doctors in the medical tents were ready to rush in and saved countless lives, the bomb squads were there within minutes, etc. – Vera Chenault

(9) Encourage our children to be leaders and helpers–people who are going to make a difference.

With Newtown, I told my kids that there will always be darkness in the world – our job is to be the light, which will always win out. Then we talked about what we could do to bring light to the world (being nice to sister, helping someone who is hurt, etc.). (My kids are 1, 3, 6, 7) – Vera Chenault

This is a great opportunity to talk to our children about how they can be a great influence for good in this world. Their kindness to those around them can help to make the world a better place, one person, one act of service, at a time.

QUESTION: What further points and ideas would you add? How have you addressed tragedies with your children?

CHALLENGE: Think about the points that resonate with you from this podcast and article and develop your plan for how you will address tragedies with your children.

Click here to access all Power of Moms podcasts in iTunes

Music in the podcast from Creations by Michael R. Hicks.

Photo above from New York Times.

Yep, those are beets.  Nutritious messy little things. That day, Alex put his hand in his mouth, looked at his hand covered in this very bright color, and that was the end of it. Beets brought so much fascination to my little one that he decided to celebrate his new discovery by making a big, big mess. He was unstoppable.

As a perfectionist mom, I have slight obsessive-compulsive tendencies when it comes to messes. I just remember wanting badly to stop him and grab the wipes and start cleaning before his entire outfit was covered with beet puree.

Then I saw his face. He was smiling and having so much fun! I realized I don’t want to restrict him from being a child because I don’t like mess. I don’t want to restrain him from jumping in a puddle, playing in the sand, or, in this case, exploring and learning because Mommy has some stain issues.

So, fighting all of my CLEAN NOW urges, I decided to help him. I grabbed some of the beet puree and started playing with him. I decided to let him do whatever he wanted to do with the beets. You see, this day wasn’t about having patience with my messy boy; it was about having patience with myself and my own process of learning to let go and have fun with him.

Since that day, whenever I feel my OCD tendencies coming back, a good solution is to go back to the kitchen and give Alex some beets!

QUESTION: What mothering behaviors do you have that inhibit your child’s natural exploration?  Is there a behavior you can let go of in order to have more fun with your kids?

CHALLENGE:  The next time your cleaning instincts or inhibiting behavior start to take over the fun, be patient with the mess and chaos, and embrace a moment of discovery with your child.  Better yet–create one!

My son Andrew was born at 32 weeks gestation due to my preeclampsia. His first week of life was so difficult: I only got to give him a quick kiss before he was whisked off to the NICU; I didn’t see him for 24 hours due to some medication I had to be on; and it was five days before I could hold him due to his immature nervous system.

Seeing him in his isolette for the first time was absolutely overwhelming. He was tiny–only 3 lb 14 oz and 15 inches long–and he had the tiniest little cry I’ve ever heard.  His leg was as big around as my thumb and his head was the size of a small orange.

The NICU experience is a world unto its own. Though I had four other children, I felt like a first-time mom again because I had no idea what to do or to expect. The monitors and alarms, plus the sheer numbers of medical personnel and the scary unknowns, was almost more than I could handle. And leaving my baby behind in the hospital was emotionally wrenching and one of the most difficult things I have ever done.

Perhaps the most difficult part of having Andrew in the NICU was how absolutely torn I felt no matter where I was. If I was at home being Mommy to my four other children, my mind was on my baby boy in the hospital. If I was at the hospital with Andrew, I was worrying about my other children and hoping for their well being. My heart was literally torn in two.

One evening, as I was preparing to leave the NICU to go home for the night, I was particularly emotional and upset. It had been three or four weeks, and I wanted my baby home. I watched as another family who had come into the NICU after us was saying goodbye to the nurses and taking their baby home. I couldn’t help it–I broke down. I was sick and tired of pumping breastmilk, driving to and from the hospital, and having my family in two places. I was exhausted physically, emotionally and spiritually.

All I could think of to do at that point was to pray. I rocked my little one and bowed my head and prayed to my Heavenly Father. I poured out my soul in that corner of the NICU. I expressed my frustration, my sadness and my worry. As I finished my prayer, I had a thought come clearly into my mind. I knew it wasn’t my thought, that it was directly from above. What I heard was, “When you aren’t here with him, I am.”

I immediately had a calming, peaceful feeling wash over me. It gave me the strength I needed to continue on for the next few weeks, until I could bring Andrew home.

Drew, as we now call him, is a busy, active, “fun-sized”  two-year-old with no delays from his early birth. I know his life is an absolute miracle. I also know that the message I received from God in that desperate moment in the NICU continues to be true for Drew and all four of my other children: God is always with them, watching over them, especially when I cannot be.

QUESTION: What lessons about parenting and life have you learned in your darkest moments?

CHALLENGE: If you are in the midst of a challenging time, pray for the assurance that God is with your children and with you.

Image Source:  Cheryl Cardall

Nicolette, a writer on the blog on How Does She?, came to a realization one day:

It didn’t hit me until I heard my three-year-old tell her younger brother (in a very impatient tone), “No, I just don’t have time for that right now!”
I had become a “No-Mom.”

She continues:

There have been so many times my kids have asked me to do a puzzle with them, or to get out the finger paints, and I’ve said something along the lines of, “Oh, that would be fun…maybe later, when I finish cleaning the kitchen.” It never gets done. How sad!

So Nicolette decided to devote one day to being a “Yes-Mom.” She picked a day when her house was (mostly) clean and her schedule was relatively open, and started saying yes (to reasonable requests) when otherwise she would have said no. How did it turn out? Click to read the whole story.

We all know childhood is beautiful and fleeting, but sometimes in the midst of the mayhem that our precious children create, it can be hard to really love the current age and stage of our children.

At our Power of Moms Retreats, one of the favorite topics is finding more joy in motherhood. As mothers discuss what brings them joy and how they can feel the joy more often, one of the main ideas that always comes up is that we enjoy motherhood the most when we’re really living in the moment and doing and cherishing the things that are special to this particular phase of childhood and motherhood. Moms agree that when are in a hurry to get somewhere, be it preschool or the next stage of childhood, it’s hard to feel the joy.

Here are five top tips on how we can appreciate the current ages and stages of our children:

1 – Take time to assess what stage of motherhood you’re in. Think about what motherhood and personal pursuits will work now and which will work better later on.

When I had five preschoolers (thanks to a surprise set of twins), I tried loading up kids and talking them to the library, park or grocery store but quickly realized it just wasn’t the right time in my life to be doing those things with two babies, a toddler and two preschoolers. I realized that most excursions just weren’t worth the stress at that time. I learned to do my errands after the kids were in bed. We put in a great play structure in the backyard and invested in good toys and invited friends over with their children rather than heading out to the park or a playgroup. We had our own story time at home every day rather than going to the library.

I learned to say a whole lot of “no’s” so that I could say “yes” to what was most important at that stage of life.

Now that my children are all in school, it’s a great time for me to be devoting time to writing, podcasting and putting on Retreats for Power of Moms. It’s also a great time to take my kids on lots of fun excursions since they’re at great stages for museums and parks and road trips.

I’ve learned that I can have it all – but not all at the same time. And I’ve learned that some of the best things in life can’t be planned but simply need to be enjoyed when they come along.

2 – DO the things you can only do NOW with your children.

I’m so glad that I took the time to read with my kids a lot when they were little. I have beautiful memories of them snuggled on my lap as we read together. That time was precious and it could only happen just that way during the time that they were certain ages.

I’m so glad that I’ve taken the time to volunteer in my children’s classrooms and see their faces light up when I walk into the room. I love that I’ve gotten to know their friends and teachers. Now my kids are older and their teachers aren’t as welcoming of parent help in the classroom. I’m glad I recognized that elementary school was the time to really be in my kids’ classrooms.

I love that all my kids still look forward to family movie night every Friday night and I’m cherishing this time that they really want to be home and together.

I love showing my kids new places and learning together with them through hands-on experiences. I’ve got a long list of places I’ve lived in and loved that I want to share with my kids and a long list of places I’ve wanted to visit that I’d like to experience with my kids. But we’ve had to limit our family travel due to finances and job situations and family situations and a lot of my travel dreams have had to sit on the shelf.

But that doesn’t mean that we can’t travel! We may be limited to traveling to places we can get to in our trusty old mini-van but there are sure a lot of wonderful places we can get to through road trips!

We’ve decided that this is going to be the summer that we drive all the way across the country to visit family and favorite places on the East Coast (I grew up in Boston and DC for much of my life). We’ve saved up. The kids are all pretty darn good in the car these days. And we need to do this before they get to the stage where they’ve got sports camps and jobs and other things that will make it harder for us to take off for a chunk of time in the summer.  NOW is the time for us to travel and we’ll make it work within the budget and time that we have.

3 – Remember it’s just a stage. Keep the big picture in mind.

I remember feeling like the crazy messes that my little 2-year-old twins were making were NEVER going to end. They made mess after mess all day long and I felt like all  I was doing was following them around, cleaning up messes. One day they dumped out a 25-pound bag of dried pinto beans and when I put them in their room to keep them out of the way while I cleaned that up, they found a jar of vaseline and smeared it all over the brand new carpet and cute Pottery Barn bedding I’d saved up for for their cribs.  I was finding pinto beans in random places for months and the grease marks on the carpet and bedding never quite came out, but we all laugh now about the crazy antics of those cute little boys. Now my twins are 8 years old and while they still make messes, they’re pretty good at cleaning up their own messes these days.

One of my sons had the hardest time learning to read and during frustrating reading sessions with him, I sometimes wondered if he was EVER going to be a decent reader. I worried so much during that stage. But we worked together and plowed on through and sure enough, this son did learn to read eventually and last week, he and I were both so excited when he received an award at school for getting 100% on his big term book report.

My oldest child was once a super-enthusiastic and fun little guy. Lately, he’s a surly teenager who has a hard time seeing anything good about anything and who can be pretty mean to his younger siblings (plus it’s sure hard to get a decent picture of him – see the best we could get out of many many shots below . . .). Sometimes my husband and I get so worried about him! But we’re watching and learning and praying and helping him see what he needs to see as he helps us see what we need to see. I’ve been assured by many wise moms of older kids that what this boy of ours is going through is entirely normal. It’s just a stage. We’ll work hard and we’ll get through it.

Kids grow out of lots of things. We grow out of worrying about lots of things. Stages pass and new stages arrive. We can really help ourselves enjoy the present if we can embrace the mantra, “It’s probably just a stage” and/or “This too shall pass.”

4 –  Be there. Stop and enjoy.

When we take the time to really listen to our children, to really answer, to really look into their eyes and see the people they’re becoming, the “now” becomes so beautiful. One of my favorite quotes is this one by Iris Krasnow (in her book Surrendering to Motherhood):

Being There [is] an emotional and spiritual shift…It’s about crouching on the floor and getting delirious over the praying mantis your son just caught instead of perusing an email or filling the dishwasher while he is yelling for your attention and you distractedly say over your shoulder: ‘Oh, honey, isn’t that a pretty bug.’ It’s about being attuned enough to notice when your kid’s eyes shine so you can make your eyes shine back.

Kids don’t usually want HOURS of our time. They usually just want MOMENTS. And when we give them the moments it takes to really care about what they really care about, our relationships flourish and our enjoyment of motherhood really grows.

5 – Record the good, the bad and the ugly.

When we record (in photos, in our journals, or on our blogs) the hard times as well as the good times, we can gain perspective plus capture memories that will provide great stories and laughs now and down the road. I find that when I take the time to photograph the crazy moment I’m in, I’m less likely to be upset and more likely to see the humor in it. I also find that when I take a few minutes at the end of a hard day to record the events of the day along with my thoughts and feelings, it’s great therapy (as well as great material to share with my kids when they’re parents one day . . .).

Here are a couple posts from my personal blog where I recorded some hard times with my kids – and was led to find good solutions and humor as I wrote:
Sometimes They Drive me Crazy . . .
Don’t Get Cocky

And here are a few photos submitted by our community that capture some simple moments of different stages of motherhood:

I find that when I do my best to apply these five tips in my life, I get a lot more joy of of motherhood – and my family is a lot happier. Good luck in your attempts to enjoy the precious present with your own children!

To watch Saren’s recent 7-minute KSL TV segment where she addresses this topic and further explains these points, click on the image below:

Soon the rabbit becomes the boy’s favorite toy. One day the boy declares to his nanny, with much emotion, that his rabbit is not a toy, but is real, and the rabbit believes that the ‘magic’ of being real has happened to him. He feels full of love for the boy and is devoted to him completely.

Then, the boy gets very sick with scarlet fever. The rabbit stays faithfully by his side, knowing that the boy needs him. When the boy gets better, however, the nanny has to clean his room of all the scarlet fever germs, and the rabbit is designated as thoroughly contaminated. He soon finds himself on top of a heap of garbage, ready to be collected the next morning. The rabbit is distraught, beside himself with sadness and disbelief, and says to himself, ‘What is the point of becoming real if it all ends like this?’

Fortunately, the story doesn’t end there. Things do turn out right for the velveteen rabbit, but the defining point in the story, for me, is when the rabbit questions why all of the love, sacrifice and trust that he poured into the boy seem to have yielded him nothing in return. He learns, as we often learn as mothers, that the love we give to others doesn’t always materialize into something that we expect, or something that we thought we wanted.

A while ago, my teenager gave me my own velveteen rabbit experience. He made some poor decisions and did something that was very bad. My initial reaction, after coming out of a state of shock, was to wonder what exactly I had done wrong throughout his lifetime that had led him to this action. I had given him all the care and attention that I could: I sang to him, read him stories, breastfed him, took him to the park, kept him away from junk food, limited his time in front of the TV and computer games, was rigorous about the quality of his entertainment, taught him how to cook and clean, gave him allowance based on the completion of his responsibilities, did service projects with him, trained him in classical music, read him the classics, took him to museums, historical sites, nature walks and church, and talked to him carefully and lovingly about the difference between right and wrong. And still, after all that, he acted in a way that showed he rejected the values I had tried to transmit to him.

I felt like the velveteen rabbit on top of the garbage heap as I thought to myself, ‘What is the point of raising a child if it ends up like this?’

I stayed on the garbage heap for a while, until my husband finally called me down. “Our son hasn’t been good, but he isn’t bad,” he said. “It isn’t all or nothing with him. He’s a complex human being.”

My husband didn’t mean to be profound, but it suddenly hit me that, as a mother, I was raising a human being. Yes, that’s obvious, but what are human beings?

How you answer that question will depend upon your culture, your experiences, and your philosophical outlook or your religion. But here’s a place to start: human beings are imperfect. They have good and bad desires, often at the same time, and sometimes the bad can overpower the good.

My profession is philosophy, and in philosophy we make a distinction between evaluations of human beings – that is, what human beings should be – and descriptions of human beings – that is, what human beings are. As a mother I had become so focused on what my child “should be” that I had not thought very much at all about what he is. What he should be is good all the time, but in reality, he is a person with weaknesses.

At the risk of sounding like the next recipient of the Most Unhealthy Parent award, I have to say that this insight has changed my view of parenting profoundly. Instead of seeing my children as beings who need to be steered daily toward perfection – and blaming myself when they don’t reach it – I am beginning to see them as little people who are certain to have their own challenges, simply because of their human natures.

My role is to guide them on the road to goodness, to coach them as they navigate the pitfalls on that road, and to help them understand their human condition. My job is also to love them unconditionally and to help them make course corrections when they get off track.

At The Power of Moms, a favorite saying is ‘begin with the end in mind.’ The idea is that if we want virtuous children, then we need to raise them with that end in mind, rather than haphazardly raising them and hoping for the best. But as we raise them toward noble ends, we have to remember that our end product is still going to be a human being. We begin with the end in mind, but the end will always be some kind of imperfection.

I said earlier that things turn out for the velveteen rabbit in the end. As he sits on the garbage heap, a fairy comes to him and tells him that because of his relationship with the boy, he has become worthy to be turned into a real rabbit. So, the love and sacrifice on the part of the rabbit were not in vain, after all, although they did not produce the result he thought he would get.

In the same way, my love and sacrifice for my son have not been in vain. Although my efforts will not produce a “perfect” child as I naively hoped they would, my efforts will, one day, produce something truly remarkable, not only in my son, but also in me.

QUESTION: Have you had a “velveteen rabbit” experience with your children that left you feeling like you were on top of the garbage heap? How would accepting their humanity and inevitable imperfection help you overcome your feelings of disappointment?

CHALLENGE: Next time you are tempted to feel responsible when your children do not act in accordance with your values and hopes for them, remember that, as human beings, they are bound to make mistakes. Forgive them and yourself.

Image Source:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/adplayers/6863255442/sizes/z/in/photostream/

 I knew the importance of rest going into motherhood, but for some reason, my beautiful and demanding son didn’t know that Sunday was my day off.   He somehow missed the memo that on this “day of rest” he should sleep through the night, take long naps, not need to nurse on my bleeding breasts, and not cry so that I can be refreshed and a good mother for the remainder of the week.

Just how is a mother supposed to get some time off?

This month we’re celebrating our individuality, and just like all the different types of plant and animal life in this world, the best cycle of work and rest is different for each of us.  You might need more than your mother did or than your neighbor who never seems to stop for a breath–but remember, even people who look like they never stop are either getting the amount of rest they need or they will soon burn out.

Often as mothers we are either working or feeling guilty that we’re not working (and sometimes both at once!) We need to learn to rest guilt-free because rest isn’t  restful if we’re feeling guilty! Here’s what helps me.

Guilt-Free Day

Thursdays are “My Day,” and while I still have to change diapers, fix meals, kiss boo-boos, and wipe up messes, I give myself a break in little ways and refuse to feel guilty about anything. Here are some of the privileges I enjoy on My Day:

• I fix food that I particularly enjoy or pop in a frozen pizza. I work hard to feed my family healthy meals the rest of the week, so I can allow myself to follow my cravings and energy level guilt-free because it’s my day OFF!

• I use cloth diapers at home, but once a week, I take a break from the frequent changes by using disposables.

• During afternoon naps or quiet time, I let myself do whatever I feel like doing, whether it’s collapsing with a book and a coffee, taking a nap, or working on a project nobody but me cares about.  (And yes, I do all of this with no guilt.)

• During the rest of the week I strictly control my computer time, but on My Day, I let myself read emails without answering, get lost surfing the internet, or watch some YouTube videos.

• I like staying at home, so on My Day, I don’t schedule any appointments if I can help it, and I keep my “to do’s” to a minimum. This also frees me up to relax and enjoy the kids more since I’m not constantly trying to break away to get something done.

• I’m blessed with a supportive husband who, on My Day, takes on some of my regular duties, like dinner dishes and bedtime routines, so I can use the evening  for something I can’t normally do with kids around.

The Joker

Every evening I do a quick wipe down of the bathroom and sweep of the floors, except on My Day, of course, and on one “joker” day per week. On days when I’m feeling too wiped out to do the evening chores, I use my “joker” and let myself skip them with a clear conscience. The house hardly even notices, and my family doesn’t notice at all!

Work Cycles

No one can work on everything all the time! To help manage my load and avoid constantly feeling guilty, I schedule work for certain days and times. For example, I hate making phone calls, so Wednesday is my phone call day. The rest of the week I can avoid the phone without guilt.

Treat Cycles

A mother’s life is full of sacrifice, so we deserve some treats! I make fresh-squeezed OJ on the weekends, call my best friend on Fridays, and indulge my sweet tooth on My Day.

Criticism Fast

Even if there’s a lot of work that I need to do, Sunday is still an important day of rest for my family, so I try my best on that day to give them a break from nagging, complaining, and criticism. Instead, I just enjoy who they are and the stage of life we’re in.

Remember that I mentioned on My Day I let myself use my quiet time to do whatever I want, guilt-free? Well, today is My Day, and it’s also the deadline for Power of Moms’ article submissions.

I am not a writer. I am not an expert. I am just a young mom. Why should I take time away from my family to write, and will anyone be interested in what I have to say anyway? Well, it’s My Day, and that means I don’t listen to the voices of guilt and fear. I can write because I want to. Who knows? I might just get published, and maybe, just maybe, my contribution will make a difference for a fellow mom.

May we, as mothers, all remember that even evergreen trees need periods of rest in order to stay beautiful and fresh all the time.  May we figure out small ways to make rest part of our weekly routine, even when parenting is “non-stop.”

QUESTION: What would you do if you had a break from your normal duties and gave yourself permission to do something for which you don’t normally have the time?

CHALLENGE: Think of one specific, ongoing duty you dislike. Decide how you could change it so that you get a break from it or make it easier on yourself at least once a week.

Image Source:  Janet Stuecklin

This week’s radio show with Saren and April will walk through three simple steps:

• Knowing (or remembering) who we are
• Defining what success means to us
• Finding ways to incorporate our individual interests and strengths into our mothering

Click here to listen to the broadcast, “Remember You’re a Person.”

Right click on the link above to download the Radio Show to your computer. Music from Creations by Michael R. Hicks.

Show Notes (Quick links to things we talked about)

Upcoming Retreats! (Las Vegas, Park City, and Dallas)

Deliberate Motherhood – Our first book here at Power of Moms

Last week’s radio show: Our Deeper Yes

Mommy is a Person – Video Training

I was determined to stay at home and raise my children when they were young, despite the financial hardships of living on just one income. With six children very spread out in age, I was a stay-at-home mom for the better part of 20 years.

I really believed in what I was doing as a stay-at-home mom, but many days I felt like I was getting nowhere and spinning my wheels. I felt like each day was the movie ‘Groundhog Day,’ a repeat of the day before.

I lived for years in survival mode. Twice I had three kids under 6 years old. In those days my life was babies, sleepless nights, and constant diaper changes. I thought I would never get out from under the loads of laundry and piles of shoes when all of my kids were living at home. Lacking sleep, I considered each day a success if every child was fed, clothed, and still physically intact at the end of the day.

I often dreamed of going to a nice, clean, orderly office where I could speak to adults in a clever and professional manner instead of watching cartoons and playing referee to endless quarrels about who hit whom first and who touched someone else’s stuff without permission. I longed to get away and have some time to myself, eat an entire meal without getting up, shop uninterrupted, and shower without someone banging on the door.

That dream is now my reality. I go to an office while the kids are in school, where someone else cleans the bathroom and takes out the trash each day! My workspace is organized. My scissors and tape are always exactly where they belong. People compliment my work, and they even pay me for doing it!

It would seem my fantasy has been fulfilled, but it isn’t nearly as enjoyable as I had once imagined. This week, I went on a business trip and stayed at a very nice hotel, wandered the mall alone, ate at nice restaurants, and soaked in a deep oval tub every night. Somehow, it didn’t feel like paradise: I missed my family and felt a little lonely and nostalgic the entire week.

Deep within my core, I really miss the old days. I miss the smell of a sleeping baby. I miss rocking and singing someone to sleep. I miss the nights when quick little legs ran down the hallway and slipped into our bed where they were safe from nightmares.

I miss tiny fingers and pudgy toes, new haircuts that make a son look like he’s suddenly aged a year, and the tooth fairy business. I miss chubby baby cheeks. And, the smiles, the unabashed smiles and giggles that happen before they learn to care what anyone else thinks.

I miss having someone warm on my lap. Nobody sits on my lap anymore. And I find myself not knowing what to do with my hands. What do people do with their hands when there is no child to hold?

I miss feeling like the work I am doing is worthwhile. For the work of motherhood, while very messy, is noble. I miss that my little children thought I was invincible and all-knowing. I miss those little faces looking up at me and soaking in every word I said — the clean slates, before the world clouded them over. My kisses healed bumps, bruises, and broken hearts. I was their defense against everything from monsters to natural disasters.

Nowadays, I see how they look at me, and I know they realize that I am just as helpless to monsters and natural disasters as they are. I can’t even make a decent French braid or sing all the words to the latest song on the radio. As it turns out, eye-rolling is a big part of living with teenagers. You have to be thick-skinned to survive those years.

My older children have grown up, moved away, and are living their own lives. It’s a different kind of joy to know them as adults. As I watch my youngest turning into a young woman, my heart breaks a little every day. I have to remind myself to let her grow up. It’s her turn now. She can’t be my baby forever. (The eye-rolling has already begun.)

Phrases like, “Enjoy it while it lasts! They grow up too fast!” always came at a time when I was about ready to throw in the towel (like that would even be possible for a mom to do). I suppose those comments were meant to give me encouragement, but I felt even more discouraged because “enjoying it” was just another thing that probably wouldn’t get done that day.

Now, I find myself thinking (but not saying) those very same things when I see young, harried mothers with little ones tagging behind them. I want to say:

“Turn. Turn around and look into the eyes of your children. Tell them something that makes them feel special. Make a memory. Slow down. Give a hug. And if you can’t ‘enjoy it while it lasts’ today, at least endure it well. They do grow up way too fast.”

QUESTION: Do you spend your time looking forward, back, or right in front of you?

CHALLENGE: Go through pictures or a memory book, and think about the past, present, and future of your journey. Take a moment this week to connect with your children and focus on the present.

Image Source:  Michelle Chase