Image: anankkml / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
As I was sampling the leftover Christmas cookies, peanut brittle, candied popcorn and Godiva truffles at a recent family gathering, my father-in-law said something that caught my attention.
He read “somewhere” that a new study showed slightly overweight but active women who don’t obsess about their weight are happier than thin, active women who do. (Was he trying to suggest something? Because I did feel a sort of warm, fuzzy feeling – was that happiness? – while consuming my weight in cinnamon rolls during December.)
Because I don’t have a source for this, and I’m skeptical about pretty much everything I hear, I thought we could take our own little informal poll right here at The Power of Moms.
Are you happier when you have a little weight on you but are physically active and not obsessing about your weight OR when you already look pretty good but are actively pursuing a size 2 and keeping track of every calorie you eat?
Thinking about The Power of Acceptance this month, here’s another way to phrase that question: Have you learned to accept your physical self? Extra maternal fat and all?
I’m not talking about morbid obesity here. We all know that’s bad for your health and doesn’t make anyone feel good. I’m talking about your run-of-the-mill mom who is in perfectly good health but would never make it as a swimsuit model.
I’m certainly one of those mothers. Even though I’m more than three years out from having my last child, I’m still hanging onto those last 10 pounds. (Maybe it’s more like 15 this month!)
I was warned of the perils of “holding weight” after the age of 35, and considering it was also my fourth time around the block giving birth, bouncing back didn’t exactly happen naturally. But is it really such a big deal? Like I said, I’m not morbidly obese by any stretch of the imagination. I just have a little extra padding for my kiddos to rest on at the end of the day.
Yes, it’s no secret that mothers in particular have a higher hill to climb when it comes to keeping our girlish figures. The weight gain from pregnancy alone is tough to counter balance, but then there’s the stretched out skin (on top too), the widened hips, the hunger that accompanies nursing, the fatigue that follows the sleepless nights (making it tough to get motivated to exercise), and of course trying to exercise with a child hanging onto your leg. And don’t even get me started on a mother’s typical daily diet. Most of my thighs are made from the crusts of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Living in Japan in my early 20s, I’ll never forget the time I reunited with a friend I hadn’t seen in several months. It was near the end of winter, and apparently I had put on some weight because this Japanese woman greeted me with (and this is a loose translation), “Oh! You’ve gotten fatter! You must be happy!”
I was shocked. I had never heard someone say something so blunt and equally incongruous! Fat and happy? Is that possible? Happy being the cause of my fatness? I was totally confused and didn’t know if I should be insulted or, well, happy!
Seeing the look on my face, she laughed and explained that in Japan they believe when you are healthy and happy you put a little weight on, while people who are unnaturally thin or suddenly lose a lot of weight are suspected of being sad or depressed. Isn’t this ironic coming from a country full of relatively thin people? My American brain hardly knew what to do with that information.
It is interesting to contemplate. Perhaps as the years go by and we are busily engaged in our full and happy lives as mothers, it is quite natural to put on a few extra pounds.
Why let that destroy our happiness? Why let the celebrity moms with personal chefs and personal trainers tell us how to feel about ourselves?
Consider this: Most mothers over a certain age looked better 10 years ago than they do today. And the mothers who told themselves they were fat and unattractive back then are probably still saying the same things to themselves now.
Do you know what this means? In another 10 years, it is entirely possible that you will look back at pictures of yourself today and wish you could turn back the clock. The moral of the story: Love and accept yourself as you are – today.
As we all come off our holiday sugar highs with a little more of us than there was before, if we must make resolutions that revolve around our weight, let’s resolve first to do it with an attitude of love and acceptance toward ourselves. Who knows? Maybe some of us will even want to make a conscious decision to surrender the battle of the mini-bulge and just be fat and happy!
QUESTION: Are you happier when you have a little weight on you but are physically active and not obsessing about your weight OR when you already look pretty good but are actively pursuing a size 2 and keeping track of every calorie you eat?
CHALLENGE: Decide to love and accept your physical self as it is today, even if you’re still working on improving its overall condition.
13 comments
Amy says:
May 16, 2012
Allyson,
I love that the question posed begins with “Are you happier…” With all the emphasis and pressure placed on women to “look” good, I think starting with asking ourselves “am I happier” might begin to change our perspective in healthy ways.
My greatest concern isn’t my weight. In fact I choose to not even give it attention because when I focus on my overall health it takes care of itself. I simply feel better when I exercise regularly, eat in a balanced manner and watch how my thoughts affect me.
As a mother I find it critical to take care of myself in this way. Lifting my 30 lb. 18mo.old requires strength and flexibility. I do Pilates and Yoga a total of 4x’s weekly and it helps me not only physically, but definitely mentally! I’m an LMT (not currently practicing) and I’m receiving training as a health coach, which has really opened my eyes to how the typical American lifestyle has affected our good health. I also think as mothers (especially with a new baby) we deserve to give ourselves some patience in this respect~we need less stress not more!
I think what I’ve noticed mostly about the issue of health is how the emphasis we place on appearance seems to trump the motivation we have to be healthy. I say “so be it!” if that starts us on the road to health…but somewhere along there I hope we (especially as mothers) choose to focus on a well balanced, healthy lifestyle. I think the next generation needs this example and we need it to be able to maintain the kind of life most likely to result in happiness!
hosander says:
Jun 23, 2011
Thank you so much. I have come to the same conclusion (though I have to remind myself often). I have higher priorities awaiting me each day than worrying about whether or not I have this or that body type. I am healthy, I am able to do everything.
And to your question – I am completely unable to diet. I become the grumpiest grouchiest human in existence and I don’t want to be that person. I just want to be happy in the body I have been given and live my life without having to count calories. Where’s the fun in that? Besides, I don’t even know how many calories are in the crusts of pb & j’s.
danielletaylor.porter says:
Jan 16, 2012
This was a great post. I know I am for sure happier when I am NOT obsessing…regardless of the size I am. I took a class in college on self image and it was very interesting for me to note that over time, throughout cultures, the appearance that we find most beautiful is the one that is hardest to have. A few simple examples: royalty was round and rosy while peasants thin, upper class women untouched by sun while women who had to work in the fields were browned, ultra thin in an era of excess food and availability….
Besides…at the end of the day (or when all is said and done…) will my kids know or care what size jeans I wore?
I have found great happiness in working for great health and while I do consider myself active and healthy, I also enjoy some great cooking and all sorts of treats. I also avoid all the pop culture that trys to ‘sell’ what is so hard to come by for the rest of the us.
Cheryl says:
Jan 17, 2012
I am working this year on being healthier. I had a very tough pregnancy with #5 and had preeclampsia. My body has never regulated and I still have high blood pressure (and 30 lbs I need to get rid of). My goal is to get off my BP meds by year end which includes regular exercise and eating right which will help me shed the pounds. I’m not necessarily worried about my weight, more about my health and energy levels. I am actually loving the exercising more regularly and I feel so much better when I eat right. I am NOT happy when I am obsessing over the pounds and worried about my external image.
Crystal says:
Jan 17, 2012
I hate not being able to fit into my regular jeans. There, I said it. I don’t like being fat. I don’t like those 10 extra pounds. BUT, I don’t obsess about being skinny either. I’m still losing weight from my 3rd baby. I guess I just look at my mother and how she gained a little more weight with each child, and now (9 kids later) she is obese. So maybe I get a little crazy to “lose the baby weight” because I am terrified of being obese. Or maybe I just like to keep my weight right around where it has always been. I feel happy when I know I’m strong and healthy, and even though I know my saggy stomach skin will probably always be there, I still like to have toned muscle underneath.
Cheryl says:
Jan 18, 2012
I don’t like being able to fit into my jeans either Crystal. But I am not a happy person when I have to count every calorie/point. I don’t want to be obese that’s for sure though!
Crystal says:
Jan 18, 2012
Lol, Cheryl, I’ve never actually counted calories. Right now I’m just trying to focus on eating right, limited desserts (which honestly kind of stinks, but I’m participating in a fitness contest and I’d love to win the cash prize) and exercise, which I lOVE!
I like the term “active.” I’m happiest when I’m fit because I’m active and eating right.
Camille says:
Jan 19, 2012
I thought a lot about this topic last summer, while watching the senior citizens at our local rec center do water aerobics. I would watch them while my kids were doing swimming lessons on the other end of then pool. These ladies were late 70′s, early 80′s and they were enjoying it so much. They didn’t act shy in their bathing suits, but came to do aerobes in all of their glory, thin or fat, wrinkled or freckled. It made me think – who cares about that little extra 1/2 inch or two, or if things aren’t quite as firm as they were when I was 25. Being active and enjoying life around us is so much more fulfilling than chasing an elusive body ideal. Eventually we all get old, and I hope I can be like those ladies at the pool!
Willow says:
Jan 19, 2012
I am happiest when I am comfortable in my clothes. Right now that means the tight belt line is a reminder. I need to loss a bit because I can’t afford to buy new pants, but really I’d rather just forget about food and do more fun things with my kids! So I think that having to count calories or worry about it(we do this to ourselves) is not happy, but if I do those things for a short period of time and then am comfortable in my clothes again. I’m happy. I could totally loss 15 and be VERY happy with my looks. But I am not there. That takes too much emotional stress and I don’t think about what I need to I stress about the numbers constantly. So this is my happy medium.
But I do think that thinking about eating healthy food and EATING healthy is a good and valuable thing- for the whole family myself included. SO that’s what I spend my time and energy worry about
It sounds like what your fil said. Makes sense to me!!
Andrea says:
Jan 19, 2012
It’s hard to stay happy when you are exercising and trying to be healthy and lose the baby(s) weight yet the scale keeps going up… or at least not down and it’s hard to find cute clothes that fit or look good. So I think there’s a fine line. It won’t make you happy to be obsessive, but yet it’s pretty darn depressing when you look and feel gross and nothing you do seems to make a difference.
Rebecca says:
Jan 19, 2012
I am happiest when I exercise, period. I can handle anything the day throws at me, I can be calm in the midst of tantrums, and I feel good about myself. I never seem to lose weight when I do (or at least as much as I want to), and in fact seem to forget about dieting when I just concentrate on getting 30 minutes of some active thing into my day. But I feel good inside irregardless of my pants size.
Thanks for this reminder.
Julie says:
Jan 21, 2012
What an absolutely wonderful article! Accepting my body is such a very hard challenge for me. I really do want so badly to be okay with my current weight or even if I just lost 10-15 pounds (I’m trying to lose 40). But it is so much harder now at 42. And I really have been trying so hard.
I see other women who look happy at probably the same “overweightness” as me and I wonder, “How do they do that? How are they so okay with it?” I don’t know the answer, but I know that I’d be so much happier if I could find it!
Maybe I should pretend I’m Japanese when I look in the mirror?
Laura Breksa says:
Feb 7, 2012
I battle self-acceptence and happiness vs. discontent and self-centeredness, but not so much my body image, but how I feel about my face. I don’t feel pretty and I find myself comparing myself to others all the time. Time and wrinkles only add to my feeling ugly. Which is interesting to me because I firmly believe that our worth as individuals is not dependent on anything, we are of worth because we exist. I think that when I feel ugly and focus on myself and how I feel about myself, etc. I am giving in to dark thoughts that take my mind and strength away from more important and eternal matters. I mean, how can I really listen to my 8 year-old – really look him in they eye and listen when I am thinking how he is looking at me and if someday he’ll be sad he had an ugly mother? When I fuss over cosmetics and their little effect…how can I see my children clearly…and what message do I send to my daughters about being grateful for the senses my face allows/provides – they share similar features!
I think whether it is face or body or weight or ugly feet or lack of a degree, etc. Any thoughts that take us to a dark and negative place that leads to self-centeredness and shallowness is in our way to being the women we are on earth to be.
How to say no to such thoughts, how to trace their frequency (hormones or comments by others) is the battle. The only winning strategy I have found is prayer (remembering who is the true judge of my worth), scripture study (to remind myself how much I am loved by deity), service (to keep me aware of the needs of others), and choosing to be positive/grateful – and smiling really big for photos! Simple.