Photo by Africa at www.freedigitalphotos.net
In our family, we often perceive ourselves as the “Have Nots.” Everybody has more than we do. There is always something more we need to buy, and it is an embarrassment to even admit that we are lacking in the areas where “everyone else” has an abundance.
Well, this compare snare we’ve gotten ourselves into has yielded nothing good, so last week we decided to do something to change our perspective.
In our weekly email to our brother/uncle serving a two-year volunteer mission in the Philippines, we listed all the things that are bothering us about our home and circumstances. Then we asked him to tell us how our huge, terrible problems compare to those of the people he sees and works with every day. Here are his responses to our list of woes:
1. (Us) We have to keep boxes stacked up next to the dryer to keep it closed.
(Jon) People here have to scrub their clothes themselves and then hang them up to dry because they don’t have a dryer (believe me, its not fun…I’ve made my knuckes bleed while scrubbing).
2. We have paint chips on all of the walls.
People use cinderblocks as walls here.
3. We have no grass in the backyard.
People don’t have backyards here.
4. Our carpet has stains on it, and we have to get new carpet.
I have never seen carpet in any of the people’s homes here.
5. The sliding doors on our bathtub are broken.
I have never seen a bathtub here either!
6. We want our own bedrooms because we are tired of sharing.
A lot of homes here are just one room with bamboo dividers for rooms (if their home is big enough).
7. Our dishwasher leaves a weird film on the dishes.
To wash dishes here, you have to go get your water from a well and wash them all by hand.
8. One of our cars is making a weird noise because of something wrong with the brakes.
You are considered rich here if you own one car.
9.The family (especially Ethan) wants better desserts.
A lot of children would just like to have ulam (the stuff they eat with their rice).
10. The kids want better toys.
Kids don’t have toys here; they just make up games and play with each other all day long.
11. Grace and Alia want a little sister.
People might have that same problem here too!
12. Spencer wants more toy cars.
Oh…kawawa naman si Spencer! Haha. (I have no idea what that means, but I can guess…)
13 We want to go to Hawaii.
People here would love to go on a trip to even just Baguio for a day but can’t afford it.
14 The fridge and microwave don’t match the other appliances.
Haha! People here have no appliances and still cook food over an open fire.
15. Ethan wants a Wii (video games).
Children here don’t know what a Wii is.
16. We’d like to have a vacation home.
Some people would like to live in something more than a bamboo hut!
Just reading those responses to our problems brought tears to my eyes. It was a wake-up call for all of us, and occasionally when we start to forget how much we really have, we get out this email and read it all over again.
I know it isn’t wrong to want our home to be beautiful and clean, and I can’t blame my children for wanting all the toys they see their friends enjoying, but taking some time to appreciate the comforts of our lives has changed our family discussions. We try to talk about what we can do to help others, and we express gratitude for our food, our clothing, our home, and our family.
When I feel like complaining, “I have to drive ALL the way to Orange County to go to the doctor,” I think, “I am so grateful I have insurance and qualified doctors to take care of all my health needs.” When I get frustrated about all the stinky diapers I have to change each week, I stop and think, “At least I have diapers for my baby.” And the more I do this, the more I realize that my complaints are really not that big of a deal. My parents always taught me, “If money can solve your problems, then you don’t have any problems.”
One other principle I’ve learned is that while we can easily consider ourselves to be the “Haves” and those in the Philippines as being the “Have Nots,” in many ways, it is actually reversed. Have you ever noticed that people who don’t have as many material possessions are more able to show appreciation for what they have? A strong work ethic, faith, kindness, joy, and helpfulness are attributes that money simply cannot buy, and sometimes all our wealth gets in the way of us truly developing the strength of character we need.
From this point on, I hope our family can focus on what we are meant to become, and I hope that we can reach out to show love and compassion to others…instead of worrying about whether we’re the “Haves” or the “Have Nots.”
QUESTION: How often do you find yourself “wanting” something?
CHALLENGE: The next you “want” something stop and think, is this something I “need” or is it something I “want”?
9 comments
Jess1 says:
Apr 12, 2011
Wow!! What a fabulous idea and article, this made me think big time
Thanks for sharing and helping me to look at things through another perspective. I would love further ideas on inexpensive ways to share as a family with those in 3rd world countries, so my family can learn service to their fellowmen in the world. Thanks again!
April Perry says:
Apr 12, 2011
Thanks so much for your comment. I don’t know all the best ways to donate to families in other countries, but our church’s humanitarian fund does a lot to give needed supplies to people around the world. I know there are many wonderful organizations out there. We’re trying to arrange a humanitarian trip for our children so they can experience these kinds of situations in person and do something tangible to relieve suffering. I’ll let you know what I find!
Amy says:
Apr 12, 2011
Right on! I love the idea of making the comparison personal (writing to someone who is living there). I read an insight somewhere about how here in the U.S. we have everything but happiness and in Ghana (I believe they call it “land of smiles”) they have nothing but happiness. I appreciate the point you make concerning this. If we start to “fall” in our thinking, gratitude is always a good place to land!
Joanne McColm says:
Apr 12, 2011
April, Thank you for this great message. I will be reading this to my kids today. They are home from school this week and pointing out how their bedroom furniture is old and they were wanting a change. We went through quite a discussion about needs verses wants.
Your comments here will be a good conclusion to add to our family counsel!
s says:
Apr 13, 2011
My family is guilty of this as well – we hear of friends buying big ticket items or driving new cars or heading off to fun places during school break (or even doing simple things like go carts, movies, etc) and we get the “i wants”…but we are SO blessed – with health, with jobs, with a home, with 2 cars, surrounded by family and friends, live in safety, and can open our fridge or pantries and find food. Yes, we don’t have a dishwasher, but most of the time this doesn’t bother me as it gives me quiet time and a sense of accomplishment (today not so much – the sinkful of dishes is bothering me). No, we don’t have fancy cars, but we also don’t have any car payments. Yes, my appliances are not stainless steel and beautiful, but they work and I’m able to store and prepare food easily with the conveniences, even if it drives my kids crazy that we don’t have a cool icemaker or water dispenser.
I tell my kids (and myself) that there will ALWAYS be people with more, but there are also many people with less. The goal is to use what we have wisely and appreciate what we are blessed with. Money can’t buy health or happiness, and we do truly have both (well, minus the sibling squabbling!)
I’ll also just say, the wii is overrated – do my kids enjoy it? yes. but they could live without it – it goes unused at times, which of course I love since it means they are out playing or reading or otherwise engaged. And I know MANY families who say their kids completely lost interest in it. Its interesting how so many times they “have” to have something but once they do, its not as exciting or great as it was perceived. I wish we’d never invested in video games – its a losing battle keeping up with the “latest”.
April Perry says:
Apr 13, 2011
Thank you so much! I appreciate your beautiful thoughts.
rachelleprice says:
Apr 13, 2011
Thank you April for these thoughts. I love how you really brought it down to the specifics, the things your kids (and mine) are really feeling not-fair about. This will make for a great family discussion. Thanks!
CC says:
Apr 14, 2011
thank you so much I needed this today. I live in family where so many of our family have so much and travel extensively and have MANY luxuries. It’s hard not to get the “gimmes” (I even get them regularly) when we are struggling to buy our kids shoes for summer!
Karin says:
Apr 15, 2011
I’d like to read that return letter to my children too. What a great reminder. My family is often afflicted with “Affluenza” and we want, want, want. This is a great reminder to appreciate what we already have.