Mission A-Compliment

One day my mom was in a fast food drive-through, and she saw a sign that read, “Compliments served upon request.”  She thought, “Well, how lovely is that?  I would certainly like a compliment.  How nice of them!”

However, as she got a little closer, she realized the sign actually said, “Condiments served upon request.”  She chuckled to herself all the way through her order.

This story always gives me a little laugh, but it brings up a few points I’d like to address today:

• People generally like to receive compliments.
• Giving sincere compliments about internal characteristics is a great way to strengthen our families and communities.
• Basing compliments on characteristics that can be replicated helps alleviate depression.

The Power of Moms is focusing on “Individuality” this month, and part of that includes recognizing and appreciating the individuality of others.  So today I invite mothers everywhere to join me in “Mission A-Compliment,” a three-step assignment designed to bring a little lift to the lives of our families and associates.

Step 1: Open your eyes and notice what others are doing well (without feeling threatened). It’s so easy to get caught up in ourselves–our Facebook pages, our favorite TV shows, our email inboxes, our text messages . . . .  Women, especially, seem to feel “in competition” with each other far too often.  We have the power to make someone else’s day, and there are lots of people (including our family members) out there doing fabulous work.  I bet they’d like to feel appreciated.

I’m reading a book by Dorothy Lee called Valuing the Self, and wow–she’s a smart lady.  In the introduction, she warns that “when children come home filled with the desire to share their adventures; when they bring forth new ideas and no one listens; when what they say is dismissed as unimportant . . . [they] come to regard their own senses and thoughts as worthless, and then substitute instead what they are supposed to think and feel” (p. I).

Adults and children are a lot alike.  When someone boldly steps out to sing a solo, paint a picture, or start a book group, kind (genuine) compliments mean the world to them.  It’s when our society doesn’t place value on individual talents and accomplishments that members of this society start to conform to what the media/popular kids at school say they “should” be.

A simple email, a note in the mail, a pat on the back, or a thoughtful phrase spoken while looking someone directly in the eyes requires only seconds of our time, but the ripple-effect is substantial.

Step 2: Give “superficial” compliments sparingly. A friend of mine was an RA in the freshman dorms at our university for a year.  In her training, she was advised to only compliment the residents on internal characteristics.  This came as a surprise to me because most compliments I hear people giving consist of, “Great shirt. Nice earrings. Cute purse.”  Apparently, many of the young college girls were getting severely depressed when they felt they couldn’t match up to the other girls.

This thought has stayed with me for years, and I’ve learned the power of complimenting on things that really matter:  “I like how you are always so happy in the mornings.”  or “You have such a great way of making others feel comfortable around you.”  or “You are so good at prioritizing your life.  I can see that you put your family at the top of your list.”

This kind of complimenting emphasizes that the point isn’t to “fit in” or “be like everyone else.”  The point is to emphasize your unique qualities.  Our friends need this.  Our children need this.  We need this.

Step 3: Compliment others on things that can be replicated. Because I run a website, I read a lot of blogs, and I comment as often as possible.  What frustrates me about many of these blogs is the focus on things that can’t be replicated by the masses.

At a recent Power of Moms Retreat, we asked our attendees what kinds of things led them to feel they weren’t “enough.”  Somewhat surprisingly, the number one answer was “blogs.”  I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I think the depression comes from seeing a life/house/outfit/vacation/family that you want, but can’t have.

The more we comment and compliment others on replicable traits–innovation, discipline, cheerfulness, inner strength, kindness, etc., the more we encourage others to develop those traits (and not wallow in a tub of mint and chip while they wish their lives away).

And before I close, I want to share a link to a video I watched the other day about a man whose ability to give compliments changed lives. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao (I don’t normally sit around watching YouTube videos, but this one’s worth the time.)

Now I’m off to give someone a compliment!

QUESTION: What kinds of compliments do you think are the best to receive?

CHALLENGE: Take 30 seconds to take our compliment challenge.