Boundaries

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When I was in college majoring in social psychology, I did a term project on women and depression. I found this project extremely enlightening and helpful in forming my consciousness of what to avoid in the future. In one of my classes, we were shown a day in the life of a mother of 5 children. The poor woman was exhausted, downtrodden, and haggard. It was interesting to me that half the class felt like although her life was hard she was admirable, while the other half of the class was disgusted by her lack of care for herself, her lack of boundaries, and her obvious unhappiness at what her life had become. That made a great impression on me, as I was pregnant with my first child while attending these classes. I had sympathy for the woman in the film, but at the same time I couldn’t help but feel animosity towards her for not taking better care of herself.  I felt a little scared that that was going to be me in a few years.

There are many traps that women fall into that zap their self-esteem and their spirit. When I had just two young children, I can remember all day, everyday feeling inadequate and not as good as other mothers. I constantly compared my worst to their best. It got so bad that I sought some counseling for it, and eventually chose to distance myself from my friends because I couldn’t spend time with them without coming home and feeling bad about myself. Thankfully, age and experience has changed me quite a bit, and I rarely feel inadequate as a mother any more. Every once in a while these feelings will resurface, and it is always nice to have a reminder of “healthy” thinking patterns. Here are a few examples:

BOUNDARIES:

People with unhealthy boundaries tend to:

*Trust no one or everyone

*Think in black and white/all or nothing categories

*Let others direct their lives or define them

*Believe others can anticipate their needs

*Allow others to invade their own personal boundaries

*Betray their own values or rights to please others

*Abuse themselves or others

*Fall apart so others will take care of them

*Allow others to take all they can get from them

*Be unaware of the inappropriate boundaries of others

*Be manipulated by fear and guilt

*Have low self esteem, be passive aggressive and codependent

*Lack the ability to say “no”

*Have a sense of over-responsibility and guilt  (feel guilt if they fail to ensure the happiness and success of others)

*Rescue others from the consequences of their behavior

*Lack a sense of identity  (draw identity and sense of worth from partner or children)

*Portray to others that they have perfect relationships

*Have fear of abandonment or separateness

Indicators that boundaries have been violated:

 *Discomfort

 *Resentment

 *Guilt

 *Feeling overwhelmed

 *Being taken advantage of or abused

 *Control issues

People with healthy boundaries tend to:

 *Trust appropriately

 *Have the ability to say “no”

 *Know who they are and what they want

 *Recognize that friends and partners are not mind readers

 *Communicate wants and needs clearly

 *Talk to themselves gently, with humor, love, and respect

 *Separate own thoughts and feelings from those of others

 *Allow self to present who they really are to others (be real and transparent)

 *Feel more in control of their lives

 *Be aware of their own negative thoughts and impulses

 *Respect the emotional and physical space of self and others

 *Have a healthy self-image

 *Take responsibility for what they think, feel and do

Here is a quote that I love by Marvin J. Ashton:

“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when I am kind to myself, when I don’t judge or categorize myself, when I simply give myself the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting my differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with myself when I let myself down or resisting the impulse to become offended or critical when I don’t handle something the way I might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of my weakness and being willing to forgive myself when I have done things that hurt me. Charity is expecting the best of myself and others.”

I have lived the life of a perfectionist and know how miserable it is for myself and for everyone around me. Now, I choose to live with mercy and patience for myself and others – and I am so much happier.

QUESTION: What are you doing to show more charity for yourself?

CHALLENGE: Let go of unrealistic expectations you have of yourself and focus on what you KNOW is good about you.