Image from Facebook.com
Recently in a meeting, I happened to glance at the notes that were being taken by a lady in front of me. Several of the notes she had written down were goals to be a better mother to her children. I suddenly became squeamish in my seat. It wasn’t the goals themselves that caused my discomfort, or even the fact that I was peeking into somebody’s private thoughts. My personal discomfort stemmed from my own weakness. You see, I ashamedly admit, she is a mother I have privately criticized in the past.
For days after peeking at that mother’s paper, I felt guilty. Guilty for seeing her thoughts, and guilty for being so quick to frequently judge her. I forced myself to think of some of her mothering strengths. And guess what!? She has several. She even has some mothering strengths that I have yet to cultivate. Really, from the words of a hymn, “Who am I to judge another when I walk imperfectly?”
Too frequently, as mothers we compare ourselves to others and feel less than we are. We feel that we will never be as good as Martha down the street, or never master a particular quality that Sally over the road has perfectly mastered. Do we not as mothers also do the opposite? Surely, I am not the only one that has compared myself to another mother and been quick to pat myself on the back for what I perceive to be better mothering practices.
She is trying. I am trying. You are trying. Maybe some days your efforts and my efforts aren’t truly our best. On those days, do we really need or want to judge or be judged? Ultimately, aren’t we as mothers much more similar than we are different?
As mothers, we are each other’s worst critics.
What a tragedy.
Let’s do better.
QUESTION: Are you guilty of the Comparison Trap?
CHALLENGE: Help strengthen another mother you realize may be struggling.
3 comments
Laurie Brooks says:
Aug 17, 2011
Submitted on 6-1-2010 at 01:31pm
Thanks for this article. I think that giving each other the benefit of the doubt is so helpful. I sure hope that when people see me getting cranky over something my kids are doing that they won’t think less. I’m so grateful when they give me the benefit that I am trying my very best even when my kids actions or my responses don’t show it. One of my children threw a terrible fit at Disneyland a few months ago and instead of giving me grumpy looks as he screamed all the way down the street, people told me I was doing the right thing and to hang in there. I was so grateful. We’re all better for helping each other. Recently I’ve been so buoyed up by other mothers giving me encouragement during hard days.
Hilary says:
Aug 17, 2011
Submitted on 6-1-2010 at 01:07pm
Well, if you’re taking notes you probably shouldn’t care if others read them.
BUT, I wll say that motherhood just isn’t something you can perfect. Possibly, you could do ONE perfect thing during the day but there are plenty of a bazillion things you could do better at.
I find on blogs that I find the things I need to do better at. I work hard not to have a pitty me attitude that I’m not doing as well as I could/should… but I could do better.
It’s just that simple.
Melanie Vilburn says:
Aug 17, 2011
Submitted on 5-31-2010 at 07:57pm
Thank you, Tiffany, for the reminder! You’re so right! I love your imagery and invitation to become a world of mothers who spend their time genuinely flowing with encouraging praise and love for one another.
Something I do when things are going wrong is to sing myself an “it’s going to be OK” lullaby, so to speak. I see how effectively it works on our children when they are down. Wouldn’t it be nice if we, as mothers, could all sing each other comforting lullabies of hope and praise when we see another mom who needs uplifting? Maybe that’s why God instead invites us to grow and meaningfully learn to find the good in one another, minus the song…So, it won’t be so silly sounding =).